The Gambler

Fixing a broken heart

2009-08-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Since light years to me ever since i woke up at 11 am in the morning and here i am blogging.
I could not get any sleep at all and my mind has been pondering about all the stuff that went wrong recently. Logged into pokerstars awhile ago and i thought winning a few bucks could have solve everything or at least make me feel alittle better.
But no way i can win in cards while feeling this low in confidence...Logged out after losing 3k in 8 game and limit 50/100 hold em. Well,it was not as bad as few weeks back...Losing 60k in 6 days is really bad

Then i came online to do some random surfing to occupy myself so i can get tired and i came across this random skin which i changed to right now. People usually blog about stuff that affects the most or matters the most and right now i really feel about fixing all those screw ups i had immediately. Just cant leave things alone and its a hustle that everything is not going in my way. Perhaps i am too hasty,and maybe too buried in my accomplishments....till the extent i am losing my way.
I know times like that being emo is plain stupid and probably wont work things out, but there is really nothing i could have done to make myself happy. To be honest, this skin pretty much shows what have in mind.

I am just so hard to live with and i am going to fix this myself

In the world of gambling

2009-08-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

It has been 4-ish years ever since i picked up the game of poker. Those days when i was playing micro stakes just to win some small bucks to pay bills were certainly tough, but enjoyable. Back then, cashing out a few hundred bucks meant so much to me and the satifaction of seeing my wealth building bit by bit felt good.

That vision made me a poker player... I never felt that poker was in any similiar to any form of gambling because the skill factor is so much important esp if you want to make money in the long run. Certainly there were sessions of bad streaks when you cant win putting your money far ahead and all you can do is to curse and swear when u get unlucky at the end of the day.

Throughout these few years as i climb up the ladders in stakes,my focus in improving my game was never away from my mind,untill the extent i neglected so many aspects of my life. Nevertheless,i knew i had to go on,with my liablities column growing heavier and heavier year by year. I am not complaining that i have to provide for the family...but its damn frustrating to hear your close ones saying that you are having a "carefree life" while u are battling in sweat and blood vs those animals online everyday. Sometimes when you get slashed or stabbed too much, you dont feel any pain...your senses just grow numb and i recalled many times my body was extremely tired,but my mind just cant work aside. I often questioned about my own game,and trying to control how bad i tilt after i got stuck in a session. The immediate answer was always...to play on.

I hate to lose in everything i am keen in...esp it comes to games. This ego is just like a double edged sword...it kept me playing at competitive levels for so long but at the same time,costed my major and costly mistakes. Afterall, money is just a functional tool....if you dont put good use into it,it has no actual value. I always have this faith and it was always this mindset that kept me building my wealth month by month,year by year. But do you know how hard it is to win at those games i am in

No....you people have no idea...all of you did was to leech on me when i am on a windfall and i thought i did the right thing by offering a helping hand. I dont want to talk about how much bad debts i have right now because its affecting me greatly. The thought of your closes ones taking you for granted is plain sick. Your only kins....your close friends...thought that everything came to place as easy as fate allows it for you.
What;s the point of battling so hard right now? I might have a couple of zeroes behind my bank account..but i dont feel as happy as where i started off as a rookie...or i had a normal job. Those days,i appreciate weekends...pay cheques as much as anything i loved in life. Right now, i dont even know what date is it...day or night...and everyday its like a rountine,Grind n Grind....For what good reason? Seriously i dont know anymore.
I feel so used and unappreciated anymore...this paranoid in me being a nobody without poker is giving me the creeps. Wished i can just quit, and be like a normal guy. But this walk path is a way to no return

You are not forgotten

2009-07-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

I am always wondering what will you say if....

You knew i was playing poker.
You knew i am really obsessed with my poker career.
You knew i am gambling with big money that either me or you will have imagine.
You knew i am handling with so much stress that i am not easy to live with.
You knew i might not resemble you as much when i am young.
You knew i am dating a 20 yr old.
You knew i am smoking.

And just in case you might be thinking...
I am doing above average than most peers in school financially even though i missed out so much in life. The amount of stress i get is piling up year by year as my poker career goes but thank god i have a sweet girlfriend that not only plays but shares by burden in poker. Mum is handling well too and she picks up English classes during free time. Jacky is going to SMU in Aug and probably go far in life. Yes i know i sux in mental determination and i will really try to quit smoking.

There way too many things i wished i could tell you about my life right now and if only u are here. Happy belated birthday dad...you are not forgotten.

super spewy n hasty

2009-06-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Tonight was just a hell session for me. Right after i played a random nick HU in 100/200 FL in stars and i lost 12k to him,i left the casino...feeling so steamy...so tilty. I bought in for 100k in the 100/200 NL game in wyne thinking that i will probably run good and stack some donkey in that juicy game after all those beats i got in the earlier game.

But alas,i ran into some dumb hands esp one vs a fish while he had bottom two pair while i had a tptk with flush draw. And i went down after i overcalled a bet with a small fullhouse and i lost 200 bbs in an unraised pot. With that two hands, i was chipped down by 80k in a flash. Playing very aggressive and wanted to get my money back,i was playing more hands than usual and of course it didn went well. My plays were very transparent and often enough i get caught for cbet with air n my opponents were thin raising me every hand. One particular korean did a sick cr on a Kd Qd 3s board while he limped utg after i raised behind me. Turn came a 3s which i picked up a flush draw while i floated him with 76spades. He check call the turn and river came a deuce that forced me to bet to buy the pot as i couldn win with 7 high. After looking at me,he called and he turned over 2 5~~!! I was like....wtf~~!!

Ok...that instantly blew up my steaming engine and i was really ready to go very very very aggressive after that sick hand. Few hours later, i did a liberal cold call of 14k preflop with JTs vs a deep stack that had 200k behind. I flopped one pair...and decided to check call just to peel a turn to see if i could get lucky or maybe make a play if i sense his hand was weak or not. At turn,the board was T 6 3...then 9 which made my hand appeared weaker. So i decided to turn my pair into a bluff and raised him ALL in...knowing he probably has AAs.He called with much confidence not only his hand was way beautiful preflop,but to the way i was playing too. I got totally owned in that hand and i gave off 180k in a 100/200 game just with one pair.This is probably the worst play i ever made in my live and obviously that crushed my confidence..ego...image..everything u name it.

I had to return back to the hotel room to quit for the day...i know i cant play any more. "A" was behind me trying to cheer me up but deep in me i was way too disappointed by how my poker game came to a mess. We worked out on my financial situation these few months of play poker and even though i am slightly up for this year,i had to really admit i was running pretty sick in macau not because i was a better player. Times like this,u really have to swallow ur pride and let it go that u are not good enough. I decided to quit some poker for a few weeks while i take some time off enjoying quality time with "A". It has been so long that i took my mind off cards and this time i feel its a good time not to play or it will be bad for me to handle a great deal of variance. Withdrawing most of my funds is one measure of self control and i am reading more articles and books on self improvement and degen gambling just to control my tilt factor. Hopefully i will be able to recoup soon,feel more refreshing to play poker,and stick to my goal of making one mill per year. For now,i am sitting out...for good.

where's my mojo

2009-05-31T00:21:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Yeah...i stacked someone for 170k in 200/400 on JK 5 52 flop in 200/400 and again i hit a big hand when someone slowplayed AAs vs my 99s on a k 9 8 flop thinking i have AK. these two hands added up for close to 300k hkd and i am not up for the trip.

Not only i lost my magical touch for the game,i have been really getting into variance with far worst players and all they did...is to either outdraw me or i put in money without much of a hand.

Bleeding and dwelling over my spewing of bets,i cbet recklessly with a bad image thinking "they probably cant get connected anyway"

I was telling "A"about her mistakes and how i always packaged my play to be optimal, and hard to play against. Thus far,yes...i do hit big hands...but they pay me off anyway...because they cant get away with their hands while ironically i was betting with ruthless(and dumb) aggression,trying to"make them fold" Now i simply not only lost my magical touch for my nl game,my game is all messed up with contradicting theories and plays.

"A" was always there for me bearing my whining and had to shake me off my daze whenever my mind wanders into great midst of my poker thoughts. Being so messed in my poker thought processes,its really hard for her to absorb anything that i will have to impart to her,not because she is incapable of thinking deep,but more likely she is clever enough to make a stand to avoid my absurd plays on the table. Watching me playing FL online and a few live game hands,she often have many question marks in her head and yeah...being as egoist as i am,we can never agree to the same line.

As she says : "You always don't make sense to me"

I always find myself logging in pokerstars after every live poker session to seek action in Fix limit games so as to boost my morale due to my own disappointment in how i played in live poker. The games online were far more tougher,so i had to have strict game selections whenever i started my games

and this set me thinking of how stupid i was to spew every single dollar at my game in live. I wasn't playing well at all despite me running like a heater.Maybe that's y i always firmly believed in myself being one of the finest players in the world while i refuse to admit how well i was running actually in my 4 years of my poker career. I had sick outdraws in big pots,big cooler hands that caused my opponents more than 500 big bets...my god...what more can i expect? And i am barely winning money from where i started in the beginning of the year.

Right now,i just want to go home..and sorry folks...lanceryosuke cant tell you how he plays his game because i am just not good enough

in macau

2009-05-25T13:31:00.001-07:00

Dear blog,

Just landed in macau this afternoon and have been sleeping for the whole day because me and "A" had a hefty session in bosco's last night. Somehow i am feeling a little lazy for playing cards right now and this trip I'll probably still go easy on my game requirements. I guess its due to the transition from online Limit poker to live game no limit poker that makes my game slightly shaky but since these few months have been fine,i should be back in track in no time.

Been playing not much online poker recently after i rebounded last month to get back my roll in stars...and i have just started to play in absolute poker as well. The traffic is not as great as stars but games are hyper aggro n i have not been doing real well there. Probably need another month or two to adjust to the meta game there.

K...tats all for now...back to degenerate with "A"...CRAPS~~~

Angels or demons

2009-05-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Dealer:"Lanceryosuke has 88s and capped preflop"

The flop : Js8cTc

Dealer:"Lanceryosuke bets $500,sirocko raises to $1000,stickman raises to $1500,lanceryosuke raises to $2000.The betting has been capped."

The turn : Js8cTc7d

Dealer:"Lanceryosuke checks,sirocko bets$1000,stickman raises to $2000,lanceryosuke calls $2000 (Fark the turn...)sirocko calls"

The river :Js8cTc7dJc

Dealer:"Lanceryosuke checks,sirocko bets for $1000,stickman requested Time....calls $1000,lanceryosuke folds (wtf)?"

Showdown...sirocko has Jd7d,fullhouse Jacks full of sevens,stickman has QcKc,king high flush...

Oh...wow..i made a...god fold? No way, i was sure enough that i misread that hand and the river i thought i threw my hand away in confidence knowing my set is no good(yeah folks u r right..i din know i made a boat~!!).But someone of a caliber like me to make such a mistake and play?I couldn't take it..even though i could have called and lost. Hands keep flashing in my head and the action was way too intense.That's what u can expect in a real limit poker game.Ant was beside me,watching my game all along. Suddenly she spoke up and said" Was that your game of poker as well? How optimal..i was taught from the first day of playing poker,even the worse fishes in the world knows how to put their money in when they know they have the best hand".......and i woke up...to blog

All these was in my mind when i was in bed with a fever running as high as 39 degrees, a bad sore throat and a weak body. I guess i cant keep my mind off work even when i am this sick.
Life has been pretty fine after the big roll i had with "A" and nothing much has occurred these few weeks. For those whom are concern,i am back on track in work and trying to get back to my usual games in a month or two. I have been tagging with "A" to movies,home games and yeah..taking turns to fall sick. Just came back from bosco's game and it didn turn out well when "A" made a huge overcall with queens which turn out to be good vs nat's gutshot draw. Of course he spiked the 8 on the river to clear our stack of 4k chips. "A" was pretty upset after the hand because first time in her life she think real deep in hand and manage to work everything out but to lose to badluck.
Oh well,such is poker...u thought u got everything right,but u still lose. Although the fact i did not agree the way "A" played that hand was optimal due to the stack size in relation to the binds and getting 800 big bets with just one pair seems way too absurd to me,"A" firmly stick to her stand of getting her money (no matter how much it is) when she feels she has the best hand. Its so subjective,when it comes to decision making in life. Some sees it as a bravery act,some feels its plain stupid. I make alot of decisions in life that thought were optimal but to others, it's a choice that they will never cross their mind. So what's right n wrong...?
Some leave it to the majority,some decides to be different and often to be outcast..and some of them simply don't make a choice.
Only you know the best

The Monkey Drops By

2009-05-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Hello! Anthea here. Just did a complete layout change. I'm here to post on his behalf, and upload this picture on the right, cos he's dying in bed right now, with fever (Swine flu!). Do let me know how you feel about the layout! Toodles.

I screwed it up again

2009-04-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Once again,i stepped into the land of smiles (that's what they call it) with a greenstick in my mouth. The weather was extremely hot,but it din light up any flames in me. I was so lethargic,not because i was lazy...because my heart it not here
Long ago, i figured out this wasn my world,my playground and none of that stuff should kept me going nor interested. Yet i recalled, falling into temptation,deadly traps and unwanted attention.
There was nothing i want here...no company that i yearn for. Perhaps someone gave me the light,to show where the place heaven is. Then someone gave me a real hard slap, calling me a cheat and a habitual bluffer.
They really have a way with guys,not to mention with deadly attractive faces. They can make guys crawl under them,bowing to them as if they were god.
I confine myself to no one,only trusting myself to my only goddess and how fortunate i am to see the truth.
I missed her voice,called her and confessed to my goddess hoping for her to answer my prayers. God shall always forgive u if u forgive yourself and god shall not forsake u if u never leave god.
I was never a religion person,so i don't blame god for not answering me. Perhaps i was too naive that my confessions could meant any form of honesty to god and she will allow me to atone my sins.
There is a thin line between honesty and shameless...bravery and hopeless stupidity. This time i will face the music myself,walking to the blades of the Guillotine.
Once again i beg you,to spare to have mercy on her. I give my soul to the devil to see this pull through.

Road towards recovery

2009-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

i'LL start with my recent trips to macau first...
Have been travelling to macau for quite abit for these few weeks and things were still as bad esp i brought forward my tilt there after my epic duel with otterkopf. Often enough i ran pretty sick and cant really play close to my A game with my psycological frustrations,i always found myself dead to those vultures and they started sitting out when i got broke.
Times like this,you begin to question ur plays, feel insecure about yourself as a person and when bastards like you played me out,you simply despise your own human mankind.

Enon : Lanceryosuke...check it down ok? Just for friends...
Lanceryosuke : Ok sure...( while holding AJ)

Flop comes JJ 6...(Damn shouldn have agreed)..oh well...check check
Turn Q...
Enon : Joking...

And he bets...(wtf??) i raise..
Enon : wtf is going down here...

And he three bets while i capped..River he lags abit and check raises me to show me 66s.

I wasnt angry because how the hand was played but clearly he didn liked to play me with a pair of sixes out of position and wanted to check it down. I agreed and unluckily enough i hit a good flop against a cooler and that scum changed his mind after he saw a six in the flop.
Of course i went on to play the session and when ur mood turns ugly,so does your cards. I end up losing my online roll again n sat out feeling cheated and so angry.

"Perhaps stopping abit of online poker will do you some good"
and she held my hand while dancing to the table games. She was hyper active and was all out to be on a killing spree on the casino games. I changed chips,and pray to the card gods that lady luck is on my side. The chips just got swiped...hand by hand..hour after hour...I couldn believe it..How unlucky can someone get?

I drew out every cent i had in my wyne card,blinded by frustrations and stomped to the dreadful baccarat table to get everything back. She was sitting beside me,looking in despair while i keep losing and losing everything like a deg en gambler. Finally, i all in my last for a 160k bet and lost when the dealer spiked a nine on her 3th card again,i resigned my fate.

Began to bury my head in despair, i thought and wonder when will this storm tide over. Deep in me, i was shaking in fear,feeling insecure and so worried i will go broke someday...i will lose everything someday.

Some of the greater things in life are unseen that's why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream...and then an angel flew to embraced me...

"You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself because you have nothing to prove. I don't love you because you are rich.I love you because you are my baby..

Her affections are like lightning: you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen.
Your words stroke me hard,str8 to my heart and brought me to life just as i thought i was dying.

I began to play better, learning to let my past and losses go. All of it went out well and the last remaining days in my stay on macau,i finally got a comeback after months of waiting.
Playing relentlessly and staying cool was real tough after a huge downswing but i kept faith in believing my own decisions in my plays. Lady luck finally turned her smiles on me and after i lucked out on my pair of Tens vs Aces,i carried on to play on the 200/400 NL session and end up with a 930k stack.
Needed this win so badly and after all these crazy rides,i finally shaken off my doubts and fear in my career.
She was still on a killing spree on table games...betting every single thing that moves in the casino..Man...so -ev..but who cares?
She is my baby and losing money in games cant be that fun without you around

So negative EV

2009-03-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

In poker,
Expectation,roughly put, is the percentage of profit or loss you can expect when you take a seat at a table on any given day,regardless of the cards you’re dealt. For people who have never quite given it much thought, expectation is the black gold, or bread & butter that overrides short-term luck. It either brings in revenue or empties your coffers, depending on a large range of factors such as your skill (and that of your opponents), structure of the game you’re playing, and seemingly trivial influences such as physical comfort and health.

To those whom always describes life as a gamble,often enough we lead our lives with certain expectations and goals to see and become what we want to be in the future. Being a pro poker player for 4 years, i thought myself to be good when it comes to evaluating expectation. this includes major decisions of how i should go about selecting my cards,games and most important how i lead my life. I wun dwell about my major losses due to my lack of focus in these recent weeks nor i will want to litter my blog with shit poker hands to complain how bad i played or run. But i was sad to make all these costly mistakes,affecting not only my psychological well being,and also to those who love me. Quitting any game or avoiding any decisions in life in something that my ego will let me to. It will only make me appeared weak and as though i am running away from my problems.
often enough,strong means weak...weak means strong

I shouldn't have pit myself to the test just because i was so eager to prove my self worth. Never i had a chance to show you how i really feel,not only towards you,but also to me as a person in general. The more i strive towards being a stronger person,the harder i fall. I should have known,and can only blame myself for allowing you to make me distracted and because i am too weak,i often crawl back to you.

Recently i was being told about history n Past experiences are just lessons to our lives and never should be a burden. I learnt to put my past behind,looking forward to a better tomorrow with bright expectations

Sometimes when you don't expect something in return,often enough you will be surprised.
Indeed, i am surprised that after so much pain and mistakes, i still allow myself to be so emotional affected ......by you. I sat in at the table again,expectingmyself to lose,and of course i did....IT WAS SO expected. Once again, i am back to nothing...after all we came to this world without nothing at all.

Perhaps i should expect no more because my money in never be good even though how miles ahead i think i am in my decision. I suxx in making decisions n once again in bustoland.Right now now my coffers are really empty.
All these while you are peacefully sleeping and never expecting it to happen.
Thou shall not expect no more since you expect nothing from me.

SUch is Poker

2009-03-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

She said "We control our own destiny and our own downfalls as well.."

I knew that i had to deal with the adversities of advancing to the big games and i thought it will just another barrier i had to cross in my life. So i carried on to play at the toughest games in stars vs the best again. With my bankroll, i was able to play most games online and even i take shots,i could somehow sit out the game without really going broke. But tonight...i went on full blown tilt.

When i posted my first 1k/2k blind vs otterkopf,i knew there was no turning back. Either i beat this guy and carry on with my destiny to be the one of the best limit players in the world,or i fail like a dog and back to grinding. He was real tough, and after one hand he rivered a sick 12 outs vs me,my confidence got crushed. We played for 2 hrs and i end up as the dog losing my entire bankroll of 130k online

I never experience of going broke online b4 and this defeat really saddens me because i knew i will not be able to play at high stake limits for a very very long time. No doubt i dont have the roll to play that high and playing with such a tough opponent is plain suicidal,i thought my game was good enough to withstand the swings untill i explocit a way to beat him. Sad to say, i din last that long.

I searched my contacts in my phonebook,feeling jaded and weeping in despair about going broke, not becoz of the amount of money i lost, but the way i conceded defeat in this unfashionable way. Its really painful to sit out just like that,feeling i could win,feeling this shouldn end this way.

Wanted to listen to her voice, telling me its alright...but she did reminded me if i cant handle this, what can i handle in life? I am in total darkness right now,loss in my vision to carry this life of a pro poker player. Am i still doing this right? Should i carry on?
Its really sad to be in bustoland,feeling dejected n denied from what i have been firmly believed in.

fickled minded

2009-02-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

Dear blog,

It has been a hectic time for me at the tables especially after my epic battles on the crazy 200/400 tables..i got really crushed back then.
Not only those fellas crushed a huge potion of my bankroll,but also my confidence and my game. I had so many sleepless nights,wondering,questioning what went wrong...
knew i couldn't play when i wasn't in my best shape. The game so so demanding,with blood spilling in almost every pot those animals were fighting for,i just couldn't stand the heat.
I knew i had to leave and probably better off quitting,but my ego couldn't let me. After all, poker was all I've got in my life

I continued to play on,run bad and play bad..after a 200k downswing..i finally concede defeat. Going to bed feeling jaded about my loss,i began to doubt my self worth in life. Suddenly i realized that everything wasn in place at all.
Poker_KaMI : I am so upset now hoss..being the best at mid stakes but couldn't move on. Its just like my life,i always get stuck..i cant move on.
Hoss_TBF: Just like how i always advised those mid stakes guys,take some days off,reflect and come back refresh. U cant win at this level if you are not exactly happy about ur life and which is ur ultimate aim of making lots playing at this level

I knew i have bad self control.This is often true when i suffer a setback from other aspects of my life.Being so eager to prove my self worth,i began playing high stakes and end up blowing everything up.Ironically,this shows how little self respect i had of myself. I am really not sure what i want now.
I thought i divert my focus and attention to poker everything will be fine but apparently,my mind seems to be malfuctioning.
i have people that care so much about my life more than i do. Sorry folks,but i cant really handle it right now.

Taking a breathing

2008-12-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

Dear blog,

Apart from more wine and poker, life have not changed abit since i last blogged. I always told myself to take my mind off work and cards but instead of resting,i played much more high stakes than i usually did in stars. My winrate was terribly down in mid stakes and my swings gotten bigger than what it was a few months back. Most of the time i found myself in rollercoaster rides that i have to stay on playing in games that i have to get myselfr unstuck. Although this month i broke even in terms of money,but i am down huge in big bets which generally means there are still leaks in my game that caused me unable to maintain my good winrate at my games.
Finally i have decided to quit poker for this year before i prepare myself to grind intensively for nova elite next yr. So far i am able to put myself off the computer and control the urge to play cards even a good game is going on. Life without work its kind of boring coz most of the time i am free,my fellow friends will be busying working and after work most of them have family commitments.
Come to think about it,i am turning 28 next year and i have no concrete plans to settle down.Due to my job nature and how oriental our singapore society is,its hard to find some girl that hop by whom can accept not only my job,but my hectic lifestyle as a poker player.
Sigh..life is never fair..u win some u lose some..oh well..i should go back to school just to get a wife.Lol~~
:P

Myth and truth

2008-11-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

It happened in a random pub when i met my friends after my hectic japan trip.
It happened when i was so upset about my great painful downswings in my career.
It happened when i felt i need to let out my vengeance coz my efforts and results i had in life often end up unjustified.

He said to me
"Some people spent their lives finding their truth purpose in their lives. Many people lead their lives aimlessly and they dont even know why they were born in the first place."
"U have already lived 27years of your life,did someone or you feel about things that you ought to change for the better? Have you done that? If not,can you expect anyone to CHANGE for you?
"U have been living for life,finding solutions and answers. Knowledge can be a double edged sword and often enough,when it is being learnt,it cannot be unlearnt.
Many things in life are better off left untold."

I must agree mate, you did really enlightened me.

On this day

2008-10-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,
i am worried about you being alone in this foreign country.
I am worried about you meeting strange guys that will do something funny to you.
I am worried about you having not enough money to spend on stuff u yearn to buy for so long.
I am worried about you emoing about spending this day all alone..

That is why i came here..to wish you a happy birthday.May all your wishes come true.

Going down the ladder

2008-10-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

The hardest thing to do in poker is to swallow your pride and go down stakes to recoup your game.When there are bigger games of 200/400 FL and 100/200 PLO,all i could do was to sit aside and watch the game.There were so much value in the game and a few terrible players were just donking off big bucks by showing mad agression.
Tonight session have been a better one even though i run very bad in the first few 50/100 FL hands.Most of the terrible players were giving me beats after beats by i manage to keep calm and waited patiently for cards that the suspicious players will give me action.Even though my image was very loose and agressive,i always entered a hand with sustaintial holdings and players were paying me off because they loosen up their hand standard via to my agression.
Got alittle confidence back tonight and no doubt i run good.Up like 8k tonight and a few well played sessions will generally recoup my big loss again.
Those sick high stakes gamblers,u guys keep ur money while u can. I will be back

Two sides to a coin

2008-10-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Heads or Tails~?
Nothing can ever describe my life as a pro poker player than tossing a coin. Whenever i make a line at the tables,its either call it or fold it. I have been playing intensively these few months and involve in so much coin flip situations that i cannot really avoid. In gambling terms,flipping usually evens to a 50-50 situation but recently i have been losing these coin toss so often that even hands that laid me 3:1 fav,i cannot win.
In August,my online career was shaken after i bust my full tilt bankroll playing in 200/400 FL Headsup vs Onetimepls. He was a very decent Headsup player and when the action starts to kick in,its really brutal. I had 3 big impt hands that he figured to cap on turn as a freerolling whenever i trey bet and i had to paid off as there is always a sick river card to save his day. I couldn complain much as i knew that i was taking a shot even though i knew i was the better player.
So i set off to macau,breaking even the month of august and it kick off well as i did very well crushing the cash games there. But alas,one night i was at the 200/400 NL table and i blew off 200k HGD,in flips that i was quite sure that i was ahead. I drown on the river as usual so i had to pack my bag,leaving for home and was even for the trip.
Online poker seems to be more fun as i was dominating everyone at 30/60 n 50/100. Even games as tough as 100/200 i was doing fine coz my mindset and play was at its tip top. I caught a big win for the month with a huge 100k win and that boasted my bankroll and confidence in my game as i was up in micheal's game as well.
Yesterday came a nightmare of a lifetime i never imagined after i played 200/400 PLO in ftp. The variance and hands were so sick that i went down 100k juz in one night. I could not control this egoistic animal in me and i was around in all poker sites finding action.Yes, i am on tilt coz i want my money back
Battling my wits against the best in 200/400 FL was a bad idea and the players quickly adjusted their game after they got more and more similar with my style of play.
I just have to take a break...What exactly went wrong?
Even having so much big swings in my career,these few were probably the hardest to take. I lost 200kUSD in 8 weeks and most of the money was good with me a 3:1 fav going on to the turn.That is juz so sick.
I had good friends to tell me to stop,some console me as they cant do much coz they dont understand the game at all.
One told me that i ran bad, no doubt...but playing that high its plain suicidal. I just dont have that much money to prove that i am good enough.
She told me about views about plays and in life are often subjective,they might misinterpret their hands as the best hands and ur intention to represent the best ones. I often have critics about my plays coz they are regarded as bad/tricky and not that textbook like.It might have been a good play in one's eyes and a bad one in others.
There are always two sides to a coin,and every side has its pros and cons.Either what is the outcome,u just have to live with it. That is the life of a gambler...i make good mental bets,but i am losing them all. This is when i am losing my mind.

The gambler

Grinding away

2008-06-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I have been playing alot of poker since i started my account in pokerstars and after 6 weeks,i had surprisingly good results on the tough games there. Not to mention i took shots at the high games and got lucky,my opponents just couldn stop me as i was running as hot as the sun. Those players in 30/60 got murdered pretty badly by me and i had a good 3.5bb/100 over 30k hands thus far. Although i am about 1/2 way through making supernova now,i am still looking forward to break the higher limits in stars.

There haven been much action in ipoker and i just had to seek action from tougher sites like FTP. Been playing more PLO in ftp and right now, i am very comfortable playing an effective stack in PLO but i made some questionable plays that i think i should seek help from my fellow poker peers whom are playing the big games in PLO.
Sitting with a huge bankroll can really put you to the test when it comes to bankroll management and discipline. After my big downswing few months back,i am refraining myself to sit in at any high stakes table but sometimes i really lost control and just decided to fight it out with the best. Luckily for me, i was catching cards and i returned in one piece. Zhiwei aka pokerart was telling me that he is going to quit playing high stakes for good and he is more interested in playing more live tourneys while he still grinds on mid stakes to have a stable winning per month. So this APPT, i am going to macau for my first live tourney of my career and i am very determine to get into the cash finish.

Been slacking on exercise and still yet to cut down much on sticks. Sigh,life is so demanding. When i put my brains into cards, i cant really spend more cells into working other things right. Especially i go to live games,the action is simply too slow and often i have the bad habit to take more puffs during my waiting for a playable hand. Probably have to stop going to those late night games and focus more on my games online coz without stamina to go on, i will play well all night and blow it off on a hand i shouldn be even playing. Damn, my read on opponents have been good recently but when they are getting odds to trail for their mistakes, i always get outdrawn. Pretty sick sessions for me these sessions of live games but overall i did bring my games in live to a higher lev.

With a good 12 days to go, i am looking forward to my big win after so many months of break even poker n after that i will be taking a shortbreak and focus on my training to pass my ippt. It really suxx to go for RT when time is so precious to you. Lost around 10 kg for the last 2 months and i am happy to see my body to be in shape again. Need to workout more to shred more fat and ton up.
Yeah~!! I am on a killing spree~!!

Wish me luck on the tables :P

May Reflections

2008-05-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.

All that is said, its in your mind..

Well, i have been feeling emo and dejected about life recently and thank god i have great friends and family to give me a lift when i am feeling so down. Thanks alot people,really appreciate it.

Been out of spore for more poker grinding this month and although this month haven been much of a win for me, i got back my confidence to play my A game and i have changed many perpective of my poker game,as well as my life.
There hasn been much sessions of serious poker for me this few months of 2008 and i often find myself playing to get even when i have a loss in the starting of the sessions. It is so irony that i always play better when i am losing and play like a donk when i am winning. Perhaps i am really too lazy to play poker not only am i not winning as much as before, the games have gotten really hard now.

The action have been crazy in stars and i had a hard time trying to adapt to the style of the players in stars. Many of themwere very decent players and winning a hand never felt so good before. Although i donated some serious amount of money in 200/400 coz of my monkey tilt, i got back most of my winnings n mid stakes and some good runs in 100/200 6 max. In ipoker, things are fine now and i am starting to hold up hands and get paid off while my opponent is thinking that i am still on tilt after losing for a long period of time.

Recently i have planned out a poker timetable for myself and having ample time of sleep and a good workout regime really strengthen my stamina to play longer sessions. Felt really healthier from cutting down some cigars and yes jacky, i will keep in mind to quit that drinking/smoking shit.

I am still striving for nova elite for stars although it really seems impossible to clock that many hands this calender year but then that will not keep me from going to the APT tourneys in the upcoming months. The recent one will be in macau august and it will be great to win one on my birthday :P.

More updates for june and now, back to the tables.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshin
Goodluck

Today marks the end of my journey

2008-05-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Sigh..if someone in my life can slap some sense into me, please do. I have been fooling around the whole of this year by splurging my money on unwanted company and screwing up my poker career. It was obvious that i wasn really focusing on the important aspects on my life,concentrating on my poker game,making more money, improving my health etc etc. Did a financial review on myself and this year have been indeed a very disappointing year not because i did not earn as much money as last year,i was splurging my money like mad~! Oh god...where did my money go sia??

Poker always been my pride and i always look up to myself as a uprising pro player that can make it to the higher limits. But i began to lose my flare and passion for the game gradually due to the grindings i had last year,i wasn't capable enough to pit myself vs the best in the field. The softer games began to disappear and soon i was forced to play much more tougher games. The swings were simply terrible for me this year and it demoralized me as i was playing months and months of break even poker. Most of the time i will shove off my poker stress by drowning myself in alcohol,loose woman, and little did i realized that what i living screw up i am.

I always blogged about having great goals and lifestyle i yearn to have but my fragile mind often tells me to succumb to the 7 greatest sins of a human. I greed upon having a huge bankroll and i often find myself playing way too high and mostly without careful game selection. I lust upon woman whom i thought that being "financially stable" and "decent looking", i will be able to hang out with the hottest chick in town. I have been eating like a glutton and who knows years later i might die of something strange. I am so envy and at the same time jealous of a particular man whom found a perfect woman that is willing to lay her life on him because she is a strong believer of true love.
So what am i now
Just a jerk that sleeps around with loose woman whom either party cares about each other's well being. Just a gambler whom probably go bankrupt if he continues to play poker. Just a whiner that lay his green eyes upon others that have everything he yearn in life.
Yes,folks...u are welcome to slap this good for nothing to his sense if you bother to

You cant win if you dont gamble

2008-04-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

As the saying goes "Man is a gaming animal. He must always be trying to get the better in something or other "
Well, i became a pro poker player so that i could get better off in my life and enjoy the desired lifestyle i wanted. I am generally quite conservative when it comes to money but when sometimes things do not go well as what you want it to be,You might go crazy just like i did
I have been playing so much different games at various stakes that this month was simply a gambling season for me. Been playing alot in 100/200 in ipoker as well as in FTP and i dropped a serious amount of money playing with weird opponents there. I cant really recall how much i am down for 100/200 HU but then i am sure that i will be able to break that game sooner or later. Headsup games in FTP are generally tougher than those in other sites but i am still coping well with the FL games there. Not to mention that i gambled 28k in 200/400 PLO, i was actually up a very decent amt this month. Most of my big losses were at high stakes Hu games and in 200/400 PLO and even after a few big loss sessions, i was breaking even this month. My live game record was fine untill last week when i over stretched myself and i dropped 5k after playing for 21hrs none stop. The game was very good and all of my fav fishes were there but i got very tired after sometime and i made many silly plays that i will never attempt to. I ran so bad after that i was impossible for me to carry on that night and i went back home feeling so tired and jaded about my plays. Things got worse when earlier in the week, i played xemard and hmmm98 in ipoker 100/200 HU. I dropped 10k that session and just as when i wanted to play on, my internet connection failed me and i had to stop for the day and go to sleep. That was so frustrating and when i think about all my beats i had for the month, i just couldn go to sleep. I woke up the next morning and started some serious grinding sessions in 50/100 FL, but i was so stuck in my ftp games. Everyone was getting a piece of me. That is when i had enough, i am gonna gamble and i am gambling hard this time. I sat in 200/400 PLO with no fear and after some hands i played pretty decent and as my opponents din have much read of me, they folded to me whenever i make insane bluffs. I ended the session with a 12k win and the game broke soon as it was 3 wayed action. I was getting my cards in my FL games i am gald that i make a comeback this month. The feeling of winning is great and i am so addicted to play more poker. But not on monkey tilt anymore, i figured i probably have no edge over opponents in high stakes so i stick to my game theory playing in mid stakes PLO and my usual FL games.
Up around 20k this month and finally it pays off to gamble once in a while. Nver know when i will go crazy again and with so much bankroll online, i might give it a shot at high stakes soon.
Goodluck

Got to hate this swings

2008-04-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

This week have been quite a small setup for me in my poker games when i busted around 16k of my ongames bankroll playing 100/200 HU. My opponent was just plain loose and many of my hands i got outdrawn pretty badly. He floats whenever i re raise him out of position and often enough either i cant continue on the river or he hits his moron pair to call down. As many times i saw him going showdown if Ten high or retarded high when i check on the turn,he made like 7-10 times on the river his pair to call my bluff.
I rested from my games for 2 days and i went to some live games to have a change of flavour to my work. In live games, i am still up a pretty decent amt of 9 BI in 2/4 coz the players are pretty loose and weak. Returned to ipoker for my usual limit games and after playing some 50/100 tonight,i am still slightly up for the session despite of stupid outdraws on the river. The action has been insane in the games of ipoker recently but i think i am still fine with the swings.
Made a decent amount in PKR poker as well grinding low stakes NL of 2/4 and 3/6 and got like 6 BI in 3 hours. I was running too hot and many of them went tilting and keep banging into my nuts.
Gotten some money back since my Monday downswing and this month i am up by a fairly amount of 5k. Its annoying to play break even poker all the time and i hope i could dodge more bullets in my future game.
Also seen nat back in FTP high stakes game and its glad to see him up 80k in just a few sessions even with patrick antonius on the table. That kind of motivated to play more poker as i will want to be playing at that level probably in the near future.
Wish me luck folks,all the best

Confused, very confused

2008-04-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Ever since i came back home,my mind hasn been able to function properly in work, or in my personal life. In the morning, i will just wake up in a daze, turn on the computer and headed right to any game i see i will wanna gamble in. Its has been very routine like for me to laze around at home and very often,the day will somehow pass by and me not accomplishing anything.
I yet to play good and solid poker this week at all and i always end up gambling at NL games and PLO or high stakes FL headsup games. Luckily for me, i wasn playing tat bad to be stuck for this week even though i was aware that i wasnt playing my usual way of poker.I was bored and i just wanted to gamble
Clocked around 3k hands this week and i knew i wasnt in the mood for serious grinding. To make things worse, i got really addicted to drinking and i have been going home after 3 am midnight then glue myself to the computer for some poker action,hoping to make a quick buck in awhile.
Sigh,what a screwed up week i had and days haven just passed while i wasted my time on drinks and people that i shouldn be seeing. The live of a pro poker player is dull indeed coz there arent any rules to govern your life.
Basically every perspective you take in life is just a gamble
Oh well, i think i have been pushing my luck too far and right now i really hope luck is on my side hoping i can be a healthy happy person. Being lonely is such a scary thing and while my peers are working in a day job, i often sleep or slack at home. This is just not right... time is so precious...and to think i always complain about myself being old, having not enough time. Gotta induce some discipline in my life while finding other interests or hobbies to change my dull routine of a poker player.
This is just the beginning of the month and every day have been smooth sailing thus far. Improved my PLO games coz i have been playing many flops and big pots with different opponent. Even though,i lost some of my big flips tonight,i have still up around 2 BI for my ring games. In NL games, i lost touch for sometime and i foresee myself not going much in NL online but there are still many good games in live which i will want to play.
Ok,so much for poker and i am probably going to rest for the week while i recoup my health and do some workout. Been putting so much weight that i refuse to see the mirror. Maybe after some shreds off my tummy, i will be clearer minded and confident not only in work but in other aspects of life as well.

Back at home and played bad

2008-03-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

At last my vacation was over and i landed in changi airport at 8.30 pm yesterday. I headed home to put my baggage and i went out to look for ah pang and gang to catch up with them as i kind of missed them without seeing them for 2 weeks.
We headed for some drinks and so i can recalled in the night,i was very very tired thus i did not clock any poker hands in the night.
Today i woke up in the afternoon feeling heavy and i accompanied mum to raffles place to settle some legal issues about dad's estate. Met up hongzhao for dinner and after meeting those clowns in the shop, i headed home for my grinding session.
There wasn any more 50/100 games in ipoker anymore and i was very surprised that there were actually 2 tables going on. So i sat in in one playing with some decent regular players and some faces. I was slightly down in the 30/60 game and i was happily skinning the fishes in 20/40 HU. Everything was fine untill i got abit tilty in the 30/60 FL game when someone 3 betted me with 78s against my UTG raise and raised me on the flop with nothing but gotten a runner runner str8 against my AQ. Things got pretty ugly for me as i was very card dead and on 50/100 i was slightly breaking even. So i continued the session and i wanted to stop asap when i gotten even. Then,i got damn impatient as there were many agro loose retarded fishes on my table and i after a few bad beats, i was on mega tilt.
I played damn aggressive and my opponents were making all very correct plays vs me. OF coz when u r on tilt, obvious u r not running good as i saw my premium hands being outdrawn again and again. After sometime,i was down around 1.2k in the 30/60 table and 5k on the 50/100 tables.
I was so angry with not only my luck but also my play today that i went str8 up to 100/200 to play against the regulars in ipoker and ongames. But to my surprise,there were two regulars played me for 5 hands gotten like $500 from me and they sat out~!
WTF~~!!!
So i parked in one of the HU tables at 50/100 and moments later demandie sat in and i was more than willing to play him. He was one of the finest in ipoker and so far he has made very good plays that made me impressed. But i was on tilt, i dun care...i just wanna play. On another 30/60 HU game. hornee69 was raping with his insane luck and i got busto when i ran 2 sets vs set and one hand K flush vs A flush. Demandie was running damn good vs me in the earlier part but then as he was playing more tables on other sites as while, i made full advanatage of the situation and gotten most of my losses for HU today. Being not clear minded,i sat out and thanked him for the game and went logging out ipoker with a 8k loss today.
At ongames, i was playing another headsup specialist on 100/200 and again,he uses some weird style of playing tat hardly bets or raises a hand. I hate tat kind of style in headsup and even though i might have some big losses to these similiar players, i will never admit they are better than me. I sat in with 5k and was ready to go. I got some nice pots and after that he turned very aggressive vs me and in the later part of the session,i gout outdrawn 3 -5 times wif sick 3 outers. I definitely was playing better in this headsup match but after some hands, i got grounded till only $600. Then luck came to my favor while i doubled up a few hands preflop with small pp and he called me to the river with high cards hoping to bust me. After another 50 hands or so, i figured wat he was doing and i got really confident while i took pots from him again and again. Fought back to 5k again and then after sometime, i knew that i was not prepared to withstand the variance as i been through it so many times in the earlier times of the year, i quickly sat out and called it a day.
Probably down 7.5k this session but then i do know that i am really playing donk poker and cant really blame them for making moves or outdrawing esp u r playing so loose and aggresively.
Gotta head to bed now and tomorrow i have a health check up to do. Perhaps that kept my mind pondering and not focusing on my game.
Definitely deserve the loss tonight and gotta work double hard these few days to get my $$ back.
For now...goodnight

Full with thoughts

2008-03-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Its coming to an end for my holidays and after drinking tons of alcohol, i gonna stop going for drinking session at least for weeks. My body is having problems coping with the late nights i had during these few years and i can feel it when i go for a swim or sit in front of my computer grinding. It gets very tiring for me to front of the pc for hours nowadays and often enough i have to split my grinding sessions between day and night. But dun get me wrong, i dun mind playing poker a bit. :P
Just had a chat with Ah gui on Msn and he told me about his big game he had with Micheal samperona, nat and some other crazy gamblers. Nat is a young chap whom picked up Hold em later than all of us in the community and yet he has often played big big cash games both in live and online. I do have respect for his game even though i dun allow my ego to admit that he is better than me. However, when he dropped 80k to ms at a crazy 200/400 NL headsup match, i do have many thoughts running in me.
Few months back, i actually had the flare and drive to be the beat the best in high stakes FL games. Day by day i sweat and bleed while pitting my wits vs the best in high stakes games and after a 85k downswing, i just couldn handle anymore. It was way too much stress in both psychologically and my body was tearing apart whenever i finished those long and tiring poker sessions. Obviously i wasn doing good and not feeling comfortable and that lesson taught me that there is always someone better than you out there in the world.
I am not saying that i admit i am a quitter or loser, please dont get me wrong. But then, in order to pit against the best,it probably need to sacrifice alot of things in your life including ur sleep life, social life and striving for something which is the root of all evil...money
Came across freedom 25's blog whom is a top nitch FL player in the world and he said something which i totally agree. Money is just a functional tool and without knowing how to use it wisely or to your purpose,it has not actual value at all. Looking the game between nat and MS,it appear clearer to me that indeed, both of them wanted to win each other;s money. Nat is using his money and staking so much on the line to play ms in order to build a bigger bankroll to gamble bigger,while ms is just using his money to buy the trill of playing cards. Both of their purpose in life? I dont know. While reflecting these thoughts on my mind,i have seen many worked in their lives, study their lives to earn a higher salary while they have no purpose watsoever about their goals in their life. What makes money valuable to me is that it allows me to buy watever i want, and lead a comfortable lifestyle. But then right now i am not feeling exactly very happy right now because these money i won from the tables doesn seems to give me the happiness i thought i will have. Been clubbing and loaming in nightlife and things can never be that valuable to you when it can be brought by money. I am not saying money is not impt...it is as essential as your health and without it, you probably cant live. But then wat i am trying to say here is that, i had strive so many years for money that i neglected so many aspects of my life. My family esp my mum hardly spent quality time with me. I broke up with wanling because of money too and right now i am trying to use money to buy back the emptiness that i had forsake in the pursue of money. How irony isn it?
When i go back to spore, i gonna spend more time at home sharing my so happiness in having so much money tat i ever dreamt of with my mum and love ones and try to cut down those bad habits i have cultivated after i took up poker. I know i always make stupid promises but this time i really got hit hard as whenever i listened to music in my ipod that brings me memories of my life in the past,how i realized that i was much more a happier person in life than i am now.
Still gonna continue my poker career but going to be more clear about my vision in the future. Finally got myself going in the mid stakes table and this week i am up around 12k in total and i would say its a good week and month to finish with. Going to withdraw my funds in neteller when i go home and a 40 k bankroll in both ipoker and ongames it probably enough for me to grind in 30/60 mid stakes.
For now,good luck and best wishes to everyone.

Relax Lifestyle

2008-03-20T03:57:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

It has been sometime i wanted to be alone in a foreign city all by myself and it really feels great have absolute freedom and time for myself. Went for a light breakfast in the morning and then a good swim followed by a nice workout in the gym. I went back to my room to check some emails,tourney schedules for the week after that i sat down in 3 tables of 30/60 and 20/40 FL to start my grinding again. Overall, i am very disappointed by my plays this session as i missed so much value in my river bets while a scare card drops. Definitely did not play my A game today because not only i missed like 4 times value bet, i made some really loose and stupid calls without any much read on my opponent. Followed by a dumb call with AAsxx on a 883 flop in PLO,my confidence dropped drastically and i decided to call it a day. Gonna catch a movie later and need to shop for some clothes coz its has been 10 days i have been wearing the some old suits of clothes. LOL~!!
In Further thought, i think i really need to stay more focus at the tables so i can be at 100% at my games.
Up like 1.8k today which is not so bad, but it could have been more considered that my opponents were not as tough as those in AP and FTP.
Back for more poker action tml...ciao....

Damn wireless shit

2008-03-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Damn it,just as i finished blogging and my wireless connection had to dc. Went dc a few times as well on 100/200 today and i missed my $200 river bet....(damn frustrating).
Finished grinding on 30/60 FL and i run so horrible few 2 days. Dropped like 7k from 3 days ago on ipoker and its so sick to get outdrawn time and time when u often have the nuts. Its just so sick..
Played some 100/200FL headsup today and my opponent was using a weird style similiar to the londoners. Not only he is loose preflop, he calls almost everything and floats everything. Often enough he checks behind on flop and its so irritating when i tried to bluff him out he calls with junk. Took me awhile to know wat he is doing and even though i dropped 2k to him,i am still quite happy with my headsup game.
In ongames and FTP,the flop was much more in favor to me and i am up around 2k in lower limt FL games. My PLO games is still shaky and i dropped like 2 BI on stuoid bluffs and bets which i shouldn have get involved.
Probably gonna be playing more on lower limit headsup coz i do feel i have a edge almost vs anyone on 30/60 FL below. As for 6 max,i do really pray my hands hold up vs those sickening 1-4 outers. Its getting annoying to get outdrawn by bad players all the time.

Bankroll summary:
FTP : 5K
Ongames : 10.250k
Ipoker : $18.300k

Have around another 40k in neteller to play around with, but i think it will be best to avoid higher limit as from now. Games are getting drier and i will not want to face a big downswing and grind it like mad to make back on lower stakes.
Back to my games now...

Variance and more variance

2008-03-16T02:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Oh man,i am so tired after my 4hour poker session. Mananged to clock ard 1.5k hands of FL games in ipoker and some inongames and i am probably breaking even. On 5 tables of FL,the variance is like a rollercoaster ride and esp when you get outdrawn in big pots one time and another,its just so demoralizing. In the PLO games,i am almost like the biggest fish in town by making silly bets on flop and of coz,losing all my flips. Probably gonna stop and rest for a couple days and i guess i will perform better after that

Something new to me

2008-03-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I came across some weird hands in today's session and even though i am up in my FL games, i am still quite unsatified with my PLO plays. Being a shorthanded specialist, i had a hard time adjusting my agression to the full ring games at ongames but as i was at some other FL games,i din get too bored as i was playing other tables of FL as well.
Right now i am using my laptop so i din track most of my hands here but overall i still feel that i do have a decent winrate in FL esp in softer sites like ipoker and ongames. In FTP, i am did farely well in the lower limt 2/4 PLO games but i think i dropped a huge amt of $$$ on the ringgames at 5/5 bb PLO in ongames.
The power of position is just too overwhelming in PLO and after a few k hands of short handed and ring game hands, i realized that my line seems to be bad in every hand that i play. Theere were two hands that i came across today that i felt i did have doubts and did not play well. I held KQ A8 double suited in the big bind and i chose to build up a pot when the utg limped and sb completed the bind. Flop was A 8 J and i had the K flush draw with a gutshot. So i pot the flop and i was happy that two of the players called. Th turn was a diamond so i completed my flush, the sb checked to me and this time i was wary anout these two pple calling on the flop? Do anyone of these pple had the Nuts flush? So the turn went check check check. River Ace makes my hand improved into a fullhouse and knowing my hand was good, i choose to bet 1/2 of the pot and the utg called while he had Jacks full. After the showdown i figured out that my play was probably optimal but then i wondered if it was be better if it was a better play to bet softly on the turn. With another player in front i probably can put him on a flush and carry on to value bet on the turn since my intention was to call down the river anyway.
While still dwelling upon the fact i missed some value on the previous hand, i got affected and the next hand, i wanted to add some deception to my play while calling the flop bet with a second set. The turn came a 3th spade to complete the flush and just as when my opponent checked the turn, i tried to represent the flush by potting the turn to bluff him off his top set. The pot bet got me somehow committed and i thought i put him exactly what i thought he had,but alas, he raised all in and i called with me drowning at the river to a baby flush.
This PLO session was very fruitful to me as i got educated with many tricks and deception that my opponents uses on the table. Although this trip i am up around 6k till today,i still feel that my PLO has alot of room for improvement.
Ok, back to the tables. Goodluck

PLO review

2008-03-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Its around 7 am in the morning and i just had a great poker session on FTP and on games. After drinking with kenny in claudia,i was quite reluctant to start my poker game but then i had to clock some hands as i desperately wanted to improve my PLO games. So i sat in 2 ring games of 5/5 binds in ongames and a 6max 2/4 PLO in FTP. I started fairly well in all of my tables and i doubled up through a hand where i repot with Aces and caught a set on the flop. My opponent was unlucky to have Kings set on flop and after tat hand,seems like he went on tilt. The game was liften up with action soon and many of them where on gambling mode. In my shorthanded game,i had a good position over two fishes whom limped and virutally played any 4 cards. But then variance caught up when i got badbeated in two tables where i had absoulutely read on my opponents.
I limped raised AAs preflop and this guy whom called a 3bet raise pots out on a flop of J 6 5 flop. Facing probably a full wrap draw,its probably a mauck in the bin but the pot laid me 1 :2 to call and with AAs,i did not want to have any equity to fold to a gambler that pushes his draws all the time. He had a worse hand than a str8 draw when he merely have 88s and 44s but the river came him an eight for the victory. Another table i flopped a tp together with a nuts flush draw and went shoving in on flop with some guy whom played his mid pair with a open ender agressively. Of coz, he turned his str8 and scooped the lot.
Nevertheless, i manage to calm down and i stopped my ring games while concentrating with my shorthanded games. In a couple of hours, i managed to get 4 BIs when i won a flip against a full wrap and a another huge hand. This hand was an interesting hand to me as it really kept me thinking of wat my opponent had. Although i won that big hand but i wasn really happy about how i played that hand because i did not want to fold my 2th nuts with a redraw on the turn.
I had 89 46 and it was bind battle. I flopped the lower end str8 on a T J Q flop and out of position i called his pot bet on flop. Wanting to proceeed with caution, i check the turn when i picked up my runner flush draw on turn and when my opponent pots the turn, i decided to put him all in. He did know have AK but a set of queens where i rivered my flush for the win.
Overall, tonight i did managed to escape some big bullets and it did gave a booast of confidence in my PLO game. I am up around 1k in PLO and another 1k in mid stakes headsup today and it will be great if things were to continue this way.
Back to bed for now,more poker action tommorrow

Finally back to action

2008-03-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

After 7 hours of poker playing, i decided not to sleep and blog some of my reflections for the week. True enough,i wasn really performancing at my best and i illterally threw money away at my 5/5 PLO games in ongames. The pain got deeper when i started my 4 tabling of FL and after ard 900 hands, i was down a huge amt of 4.4k~!!Damn it, i just cant hold up a damn freaking hand, and its really frustrating when the some person keeps running good vs you. Perhaps the variance is really catching up on me and i need to grind tons of poker hands to catch up with the variance monster.At the end of today, i probably ended up break even or so...(damn tired too remember liao~)
Nevertheless,this week was a much more fruitful week for me as i finally got into the mode of playing some poker again. On wed,had to play a couple of hands in 20/40 FL at first to get back some touch of poker and after an hr or so,i began to pick up the momentum by winning a few pots. The sessions i had this week were relatively long compared to those i had few weeks back and it really felt good that i got back my confidence into playing poker and started winning in my games.
Upon reflection,i felt that my health is the sole reason that my performance in poker is deteriorating and when u hear remarks from everyone that you have *ballooned*,its really a damn sad thing.
Sigh...tmd...i hate to exercise...bo bian
Hours later, i will be flying off for another good vacation and this will be a good opportunity to clear my head of doubts. I have set my goal to play at least 1.2k hands of poker everyday and in overseas will not be an expectional coz nothing is more impt than bringing my game to the next lev. There are many bad plays i recalled earlier this week on my PLO games and i lost alot of money due to redunctant cbets on unconnected flops for me. This holidays, i planned to workout more in the mornings esp b4 i start every session of grinding and i will definitely avoid playing poker if i go for any drinking in the night.
Did a fair calculation on my bankroll online and right now i probably still up a decent in the first week.Jiayou bah...another 60 k more hands to go.

I feel so lethargic

2008-03-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, i feel so lazy this week. Strange enough i do not have a real job but y am i feeling this Monday blues in me? These few weeks were just dull poker sessions on mid stakes and silly splurging of $$$ on drinks. It has been so long i had a fruitful day or feel happy by accomplishing something ( and i really mean anything~!)Put on a hell of weight recently due to hours of sitting in of the computer and eating too much junk food. I have totally lost interest in grooming myself and besides spending $$$ on alcohol,it's been awhile i bought myself nice clothes to wear.
Man...what is this lethargic feeling?Days ago i so inspired to bring my game to the next lev and i look forward so much to my further sessions on the table. Right now, i hardly had the heart to sit down still and do serious grinding on the games. Am i just being too complaisant of wat i am now? I am really tired of my life right now and when i wake up in the morning, i have no clear idea what to do,who to meet, and y should i be happpy or sad. This life of mine is just so dull, plain dull.
Argghh....i need a pair of bigger specs,to visualize my future.
Sigh...life has no meaning

New vision

2008-02-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

The month of Feb is coming to an end and after 30 k hands of grinding, I am stuck like 40k for the month. Most of my big losses were to high stakes headsup and some at the higher PLO limits. The variance of high stakes headsup is just too dreadful for me and i figured that its time to evaluate my plays and maybe avoid headsup on the better sites. Wanted to build more confidence,i didn play much headsup after my 85k downswing and i grinded more on mid stakes 6 max. The results were still much pleasing and i am slowly trying to recoup my game.

Despite of my terrible run this month, i still feel gald to stay in my poker career. SO i decided to set up my own "Poker Dojo" To share about this wonderful game of skill and hopefully groom some good comrades to the game. The dojo is currently under construction and i will try to set it up as soon as possible.

As for my plans next month, i will be focusing more on grinding on mid stakes at ipoker and maybe some at ongames. It's been sometime i started serious grinding in my poker game especially after i was up like 150k USD in 3 months. Guess i was really in my comfort zone and i never imagine the bad side of variance would have come this soon. The PLO games are getting more and more popular and i will be on some of the tables on 2/4 and 5/10 PLO.
After 40 k hands of FL and PLO, i'll blog again with my stats.

"If you trying to make a world class call down against me, think about it. I might be making a world class value bet"

Lance Ryosuke

Updates On these few months

2008-02-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

I have been so immersed with my games that i hardly had time to blog my stuff that happened recently. It has been quite a rollercoaster ride for me these few months and of those i have recalled,my live game sessions were those that set me thinking about my poker game.
The aussie million was somewhere in the end of Jan so ghost decided to jio us for the trip as he couldn have make time after he got married. So yujian, ghost and me booked our air tics and we were off to melbourne the next day.
After 7 hours of flying, we arrived in crown casino and feeling excited,we rushed off to the poker rooms to get a glimpse of the action there. The games were filled with 5/10 NL 200 bb max BI and some PLO games and putting my name on the list,i sat down with 2k aussie dollars and started playing.
The table was full of action as it was quite late in the night ( even though i just sat down) and i was folding my mariginal preflop hands, wanting to observe the table b4 i get in business. There were a few manaics at the table and i thought that it will be ideal table for me coz of my tight agro style and even i do bluff,i am likely to get away coz i am new to the table.
So i started playing some hands and get a few small pots here and there...and particularly one hand i induced a bluff with A high vs a particular manaic make my opponents respected my game.
The game was still ongoing in my way as i was winning every hand i was involved in. So one particular hand, i limped with Ajs UTG,another guy behind me limped and so did the manaic. The button,whom mixed up his plays quite well raises to $100 and so the binds,throwin the action back to me. I decided to make a play and i reraised to $350,representing a big hand from UTG. So, the limper folded and the manaic to my surprise,made it to $1000 to play. The button thought very long and he folded, and i decided to represent my big hand (This case...Aces of course) and i decided to shove it in. He called with KKs,but i hit 2xAs to scoop up the lot. After that, i was playing very very agressive and my stack just got bigger and bigger.
Just when i was about to leave,i had Tens in the hole in mid position and the UTG made it $80 to play. I reraised to $250 to isolate other players and the "button" guy thought and decides to call. Flop was J high and i betted $500 into a $600 pot. He raised me and feeling so godlike, i pushed all in and he instant called with Jacks. That cripped me and after that hand, i shook my head in dismay and muttered to myself that stupid play i made.
When you are tired and on tilt,i walked towards a road of self destruction and after 3 days of hardcore sessions, i was down like 14k Aussie dollars. Feeling so stuck and steaming, i decided to stop awhile on live sessions and i went online at ipoker and started to play anyone on headsup. Online poker is still my forte and i won 7k on that night which conpensate my bad plays and bad luck.
I carried on to play my usual style of hyper agressive poker which i had got lucky when i pull off many big bluffs and sux outs on the river. After winning most of my $$ back, i decided to stop playing for the trip.
Upon reflection, ghost and i agreed that something is very wrong with my play esp when my stack gets deep. Similiar situations happened when i overplayed my Kings vs joshua in Micheal house at a 25/50 game and ran into his set of 99s. I got stacked big time on that hand and i carried on to play quite badly after that. Although NL was not my best game,i know that in terms of hold em skills, i do have an edge over most people that i sat in with. I just need to re evaluate my agression vs some opponents.
Last year nov and dec i had a splendid run and it boasted my online bankroll tremendously. That led me to my comfort zone and thought that variance was never gonna catch up on me. This jan i am almost break even after those big live game losses and a one day 17k loss followed by a 6k loss in thailand. That kept me worried esp after i started my feb month losing 5k at the start, But i managed to get it back after some serious grinding on 30/60 6 max.
Considering my tilt factor and having plans to invest my $$,i concluded that i should withdraw 70% of my online bankroll while leaving 40k for my games. Hopefully that is gonna change my poker game and things will work out as good as i wished it was.
I am still very lazy to do workouts and i figured that it is probably the biggest factor that caused my tireness in my games. I have already have some short term goals in my work timetable and i will want my goals to motivate me to strive better in my games and do well financially. Good luck to me,and i can do it...:P

Poker can be so sick..OMG

2007-11-25T12:23:00.001-08:00

Dear blog,
I am so tired of my poker career now. Just cant imagine i stayed up for 2 str8 nights just wanting to kill those bastards on table. Man, i thought i was running good this mth when my stats were like godlike b4 thurs. In a flash of 20 days, i was up 45k USD not including my rakeback. After one session when i was on 50/100,everything changed. My luck on betsson was very very horrible and when u run bad, u cant really play well. So after thurs,i dropped a huge amt of 20k USD.
It was such a big hit to my game confidence esp when i was so determine to be one of the best in 50/100. Knowing my games are still good, i tried grinding non stop on fri sat n of coz today. I was quickly up an 5k in my 30/60 FL games and of coz some headsup games. Rebuilding back my confidence,i went up again on 50/100. Untill tonight, i was so exhausted screaming over bad beats over badbeats. My hands can never hold up and i never win my dominated hands. On hands my opp either hit his 2 - outers or they simply had a better hand than me. I was being raped by everyone on the table and i really meant everyone. Even on headsup,my luck just wun come back. My opponents will either float on something and gets a miricle card on the turn. IT just so sick....
Right now, i feel so burn out and tired now. Even though i stopped for this mth for grinding, i am still up ard 33k USD which is considered very very decent. But then i am just sour over the swings and how bad i am in controlling my emotions. Last night i knew i was gonna play bad yet i continued to fight it out with those pple. True enough,i wasn steaming like few weeks back,but i reflected some donkey plays that made me lose alot alot of $$.
Right now i am merely up in 50/100 but i was kind of relieved that in mid stakes games,i am still winning big. Really hope i can overcome this barrier so i can make it to the bigger games. The stress lev n the swings u have to face is really really insane.
I will probably stop my grinding untill the next month i guess. Did some calculations to my financial and somehow or another i feel my pace is still slow. I have been grinding for close to 2 years since i turned pro and i i feel this way of living will drive me to self destruction.
This route have been always a lonely road for me. I used to have someone to share my pain with me but i chose to be braver to face it all by my way. Perhaps its just too much for me to take.

I am feeling so god damn tilt right now...
i am so tired right now...
i feel so lonely right now...
i feel like giving up right now...
sigh...

Rusty Rusty Rusty~!

2007-10-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
My thailand holidays is finally coming to an end and i will probably get back to home by wednesday. Kind of miss my bed and my computer at home and not to forget touring ard with my WRX..hehheh...
The magic tourney started yesterday and with our grp obsessed in clubbing and drinking here,we din played our best. Ding,me ajy and chang got ourselves kicked badly in day 1 and i guessed it wasn much of a surprise at all. I was very very rusty with the cards and before i can get myself back into the game,i was already down 2 games. Magic have always been a very demanding game and i do understand that without much practise in it,i can never get good results. Steven,fat and some of the fellas did get into day 2 and we were gald that the both of them got a shot of the GP title when they got into top 8. They should be battling with the rest of the japanese in top 8 and here i am in hotel blogging coz i got something really really hit hard into my head. I found out that even though i have been taking easy in this ganme,i never had the desire to win. My deck wasn that fanatasic compared to ajy and the rest of the guys but deep inside i know i did not played fully to the best of every situation and after the game i just gave myself up to the ill fate i had for such a crappy deck.
This trip was supposely a rest stop for me from poker but after days rotting in the hotel room,i logged into the poker room hoping to catch my feel of the game. I remembered i got crushed pretty badly and i was totally lost after tat.
Upon reflecting,i figured that the best for me was to completely give up playing while in thailand untill i go back to singapore.
I spend most of my time reading in my room and relaxing in spas...AR...life is great indeed. While waiting for rest for night activities,i told myself to play softy in my inet and betsson games and i started playing 3 tables of FL. My read was still quite ok and i ended the session up around $500. It was still a decent winrate but i knew i was very very desperate to quit. The feeling of fear,the feeling of losing. I do not have the "best player in the table " mentality anymore. Little did i realized that i am actually afraid of playing 10/2O fL~!
So here i am my dear blog,blogging..reflecting about what have been going through in my mind.
I learnt that actually as time goes by,i din really grew up as a person. My mental is still weak as ever and i feel damn stressed whenever i have setbacks. In fact, i always blame on outside factors "beyond my control" as a reason for me to deny reality. This is just not right. For magic, i really liked that game but if i really wanted to participate in the tournament,i should really take pride in my game and try to practise as much as possible. At least if i did not do well, i am happy that i did my best.
I remembered that jackson was obsessed in reading when he broke up with huisi and i see that he grew up as a man and he really did take effort to change what was wrong in his life. He had goald and his mindset was very clear.Well, i do have my goals,big big goals in fact but i never really had the heart or determination to do it and i always get depressed and dwelling over what i am unhappy in life. Today, i finally found out that only me and only me know whats best for me. U cant change the world no doubt but vice versa, the world cant change u for what u r.
Like what the book " the 7 habbits of highly effective ppl" says, one basic practise of being a successful person is to cultivate good habbits. We do have habbits,good ones and bad ones. I shall work on those that is more impt to me in life and quit those harmful ones. It has been light years that i said i wanted to quit smoking and right now, this moment i am still liting a cigarette in my room.
Yeah,my mind is weak...very weak...but i will do it. Its all in the mind..if i wanna be a winner, i shall behave like one,think like one and i will not ponder over y i am not. How can u be one when u dont do things the winners do?
I am so inspired now and i feel so many things i want to go back home and work on it. Mind over matter...if others can do it,y not me..huh lance? :P

Dread Poker session in thailand

2007-10-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,
Ok,i know i thought i could have put back my poker stuff and come here for a relaxing holiday. But when i woke up every morning in my room without any activities planned for the day,I just cant help myself.
Played on 15/30 and 25/50 FL this morning after last night's drinking. Under the influence of so much alchohol,it did not only affected my sleep,i think it affected my plays as well. Not to mention some big hands i did not hold up,my agressive opponents have been hitting the flop so hard that the session was nothing more than a nightmare. Down around 4 k in like 2 hours and i was wondering if i was really rusty in FL. I reflected and i think i made some loose calldowns vs some particular players and when u r running so bad,its really damn hard to play good.
Left around 13.5k bankroll online and with rakeback next month,it will likely to add up to 16k. Sigh...my vision is so vague now. Just cant put determination in the goals i have setted. Cant imagine i am staying up in the morning not sleeping and blogging. I really need to let out gas,really felt very very burned out. Spend like close 2k sgd these few days and with my loss this trip,guess this month will be a drought for my bank account.
Wanted to play more poker but i know i cant play at my best here. Feeling so tilt right now and the pple ard me here. I missed home right now,i dun wanna spend time and $$ on anything now.
Come to think abt it,what is it that i yearn for so much these years?
Everyone that came here envy me for able to take a holiday as long and as when i wished. They become closer to me coz i make more $$$ than them etc etc. I once hated when one judge one by its cover. "I like you coz u r rich, i like you coz u r handsome, i like you coz u can fark so well in bed!" PUI...what in the world is going on?
Humans are just so sick,just like me, just like any living contridicting creature. Perphaps such is nature,the law of balance. Times flies,the world seems to be evolving each and every moment with new technology,with pple dying everyday. But nevertheless,the way that humans work shall never change.
Untill the day u all die

I love fridays

2007-10-19T20:08:00.000-07:00
I slept through my whole afternoon as i was having a very bad flu. Guess i caught a cold when i was sleeping with my windows open while raining. Fatty and wee called me at 8pm and we were heading for some drinking session.
Although i go for more drinking sessions,i was never near to those maniacs in terms of holding liqouir. They were happily dancing and drinking like crazy~!!OMG~!!Wat a terrible sight...(i wanted to shout out that i dunno them...LOL)
We left ard 2pm+ and i headed to jackson's place for some live game poker. It was ard 7 handed with some strange faces that i never met. Seems like the action was at its climate as i witness some crazy action the moment i sat in. WOOhoo...they r really getting into it.
Played quite well on some hands but i guess i got outplayed by ghost a couple of times on the river when i attempted to bluff him. Shouldn have done it...but then somehow i played solidly and yujian was the one giving me most of his chips. One hand when i had set vs his smaller set ended his hope of recovering for the session and i was up around 3 buy ins. Junyang was on monkey tilt as well as yujian and i just sat back while i played my solid way of poker.
After review,i was pretty satified with my playing recently both on live and online as i feel most hands i got max value when i could and i created good image to put off tough spot bluffs.
Started off some small omaha PL games on inet with $100BI and after 2 hrs of playing, i was down ard 1.5 BI. Some hands i feel i played badly and i felt i din have any deception in my play. Everything was very very str8 forward for me. There was one hand i got quite Unlucky when i hold 9dTd6c7c. Repop a utg raise and BB calls. In a threee way pot flop comes 3 9 9,without any flush draws. I bet 70% of the pot when BB check raises me 4x. I knew tat donk has AA x x...but wasn sure abt weather he has the 9. Wif only one 9 to worry about,i thought and pushed all in. He had AA 9 K double suited. Lose ard 2 BI on that hand. After that i got all in my chips in with my KKJJ double suited. Flop comes 10 6 7
i had a flush draw and more or less my bet means i have to go ALL IN. Pushed it in and the original raiser called QQ 2 9 with his flush draw. Then some donk commented and he called his 6789 draw and he hit. Ok,the pot odds were more or less correct for him. Sigh,after tat i dropped further when i coldcalled a button raise with QQxx rags. Flop comes AQK,i check raised and push to a turn K
HE instant all with his AA xx boat.
I sit out for a moment reflecting on my game...and i figured that i think i need o be more familiar with my maths as in lower games,they will go all out to gamble with their draws. Probably i will leave ard 1k in inet just to practise omaha and hopefully i clock ard 10k and build enough to make it at 1/2 PL.
Later on,i wasn happy that i lost session,haha..so i sit down at 10/20 FL and both 2/4NL tables.
Made a world class call down and i felt so good about it today. Did 2 A high call down on the river twice recetly. I think my instincts will benefit me on getting better winrates on NL.
I AM A CALLING STATION,DUN BLUFF ME..LOL
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1607089

Reflections

2007-10-17T20:43:00.000-07:00
This week was defintely a very frustrating week for me. I not only lost my winnings in inet but so the intial $$ which i deposited to play the 30/60 gammes. Cant imaagine i lose close to 10k USD in one week. One session i was down ard 3k USD at 30/60 as well and 20/60. I am aware that this amount doesn mean anything when things dun go well in poker. But when u have 2:1 FAV on preflop and 70% on flop,U FEEL LIKE BEATING THE CLOSEST THING TO U WHEN THEY OUTDRAW U EVERYTIME. Man....am i angry. I tried not to tilt(guess i was) and i tried to cool it off and i was still taking it easily as things in betsson were going on smoothly. Then i decided to log off my betsson account to concentrate my games at inet. Things never got better...in fact much worse. I lost a huge amount of 6k on 30/60 and some of it on 50/100,and those fishes were saying kryosuke(of coz they din know actually it was me on dif acc) was much more better. Being a FL specialist,my ego was strongly affected. I started to wonder if my games were still good,or am i playing just bad poker? IS it just luck all these while?
I opened my pokertracker and i gave a good review on my stats,winnings etc etc...and those dumb hands i lost. On betsson,i was up ard 115k USD from may till now,while Inet i was down ard 15k USD from the time i came back. 16K was to lady manitas when i decided to give it a shot to play him at headsup on 100/200. He was indeed a very very bad player, but things were not going well at all for me. I got totally crushed over 500 hands. It was an expensive lesson and i realized that afterall,even u are good in ur game,u have to be discipline to control ur emotions,bankroll so ur game will be at its best.
Fine,i went down to grind on lower stakes on inet,and it was still a hell of a nightmare for me. I can never make a hand or run into better hands,or i get outdrawn. It has been over 15k hands over at inet and i am still bitching over my downswing.
Things start to turn bad at betsson as well when i lost 2k at 10/20 over 20MINS~!I just cannot believe it. Its the worse downswing i ever seen over my 2years on FL poker. I sweared to god i wasn on tilt but then,those hands i had 70% were outdrawn to a spilt or he hit his 2-4outers. It is just so sick.
I really had enough of poker right now and i decided to take it easily. Read more on articles and i am trying to learn my fav songs online. Reflect on wat was i doing these few months of hardcore grinding. I came out with figures on my winnings and the hours i put in poker.

Betsson - 95 k hands - 115k USD
Inet - 16k hands - minus 15.8K

Didn manage to keep track any of my hands on FTP but as much as i can recall, i won 28k in 2 months on FL headsup but then lost in all back. It was quite a big upset for me as well but as i thought about it, FTP players were much more better players and i guess i din play at my best in the later sessions.

Finally,i decided to give myself a good break from work these few weeks. Now its october and i figured that even i stop for this year,I made close to 24USD on the average per month. It is still considered a decent win rate considering the dumb mistakes i make and some tilting shit i am been going through.

Looking forward to my trip to thailand this sunday and i foresee this GP bangkok will be a great event to be part of it. Although i am kind of rusty in magic,i hope to do well this event and i really missed those happy days of playing cards. HAha,my life have been playing cards sia...:P
I brought some books to read along the way and i hoped to finish a book or two during my 10 days break in thailand. Hopefully i can come with a good work plan to keep my games as good as possible. The articles on 2+2 really benefit alot and they kept me thinkin deep about my games.
Looks like i have more self study to do. ALL the best....i can do it

2007-10-07T16:18:00.000-07:00
Today when i watched Bleach on youtube, orihime finally confessed her love to ichigo when he was sleeping. It was probably the most romantic love quote i ever heard in my love.
"There are so many things which i wanna do in life, and how i wished i have 9 lifes to do everything so i can accoomplish them. And all of my 9 lifes i wished i can fall in love with the same you again."
If i had a choice,I wish i can accomplish everything i can in this life. and if i have 9 lifes, i wished i never met you and fall in love with you.

Independence day

2007-10-01T14:35:00.000-07:00
Since 6 months i blogged and never did i expect myself to confide in this cyber space again. Here i am,always sitting in front of my desktop,dazing at the ceilings and wonder what purpose do i have in life. I have already grinded 18mths of poker and even though i made good money from it,i never felt the sense of satisfaction in my heart. Might be greed or my ego that kept me from being contented of what i have, but when i reflect on myself ...there wasnt really any worth to be proud of.
I might have make 450k from cards,an amount of money that i never imagine i will have at this age but i never felt that i have perfect my game esp when i lost a huge amt of 50k USD just on headsup games alone. U can call it bad luck or bad swing but i am aware...i am just not good enough. Either i cant handle my emotions well and go easily on tilt or i am just ill discipline to plan for my games. ALthough sometimes i really get bad luck, but then such is life, there are always ups and downs.
The feeling of losing simply juz sux....i just cant afford to have an emotional setbacks now...and resulted i have to break off with her. She was always there when i needed care and comfort. There wasn even once she wasn there when i was at my lowest. SHe shown me light when everything seems pitch dark. I became to rely on her as days goes by...and i couldn imagine one day if i will have to continue this lonely road all by myself.
SLowly and gradually,i lost my fighting spirit.....i wun wan to stress myself anymore...its just too much for me to take. Yet, there are so many things i yearn in my life..i have to move on.
I couldn commit anymore to her, i told her...wif me biting deep in my arms when she says that i dun love her. I can never show my affection to any of my girlfriends and i know....i am not meant to be anyone's bf.
Weeks have pass,wif me walking through the pits of hell. I have been running and playing like shit this month,thanks to those headsup games....
how i wish she was there to comfort me, and i wanted to say sorry to her so badly coz i inflicted so much pain and disaapointment in her.
How can i live wifout you....i want to know...

Shattered... Dreams.....

2007-03-04T16:06:00.000-08:00
I never thought i had to blog again to vent out my emotions. Evrything was slowing down in pace for me. I learnt to be ordinary...learn to control my frustrations even how those donks outdrawn me at the games,how zhiwei criticised my play or how my mum nags at me. It was so long that i stepped into a label boutique and wonder how should i groom myself. I learnt not to be that materalistic, that extreme...towards life. But, y am i feeling this way now?
I felt...so paranoid when i knew if i couldn survive by cards anymore...what can i do?
Am i capable to sell again? Am i gonna go back to work again?Am i gonna find a job?
AM I WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL?

I am afraid...
to disappoint myself...disappoint her,
disappoint everyone..

Reflections

2006-12-22T17:17:00.000-08:00
Oh well, its coming to the end of the year le and yea...christmas is coming~ I wan presents~!whahaha~!! Anyway,it has been a hectic year of 2006 for me. Let's see what have i encounter..
I met an angel whom loves me and pampers that i felt that i am the king of this world. I was so emotional affected and childish in my ways after i got some downs in a certain part of my life. She was always there for me, caring me, waiting for me..loving me. It was her that bring my back to life...and make me felt worthwhile as an individual. I had 3 gfs,and i treated her the worse and some say that she's not the one...she's not tat attractive...etc etc. I was paranoid to love again,and i nearly busted this one as well. I love u wanling dearie..u r always my fishfish~:P
Although i have reached my first $150k, but then when i take a look at my debit column of my bank statement, i nearly got a shock of my life~ 15k spend in 3 mths...which means i spend on a average of 5 k every mth.WTF~~!!Some emperor i am right, LOLZZ.. I nearly made a mistake of quitting my job and went pro on cards thinkin of the easier way out. Luckily i have good frens like jackson and some others to highlight some of my weakness and pointed the fact that i was so off track in life. So what if i have millions? I dun wan to behave like zhiwei, like a petty loser..and behaves like a rat. U can call it pride but i wan pple to respect me for what i am. Life is always not what u achieve , but what u overcome...there is so much character building for me to do. Drill more discipline and i will overcome all odds. Lance, JIAYOU~!!

!)Mdrt agent
2)Prodigy guitarist,keyboardist vocal(wtf..??haha)
3) i wanna slim down to 60kg..(kk...i put on so much weight..knn 72 now)
4)Best 15/30 FL /3/6 NL player
5)30K income per mth
6)quit smoking...(haizz...i will~)

U can do it de...:P

Vision blurred

2006-11-01T19:53:00.000-08:00
Been a while after since i blogged...perhaps life have been too dull and i din came across anything worthwhile to be blog. Anyway,It has been the same routine for me these few mths. All those late nights,hanging outs, tue and thurs wif mydearie..and ar...i went to japan. Though i screwed up the damn PT,it was good exposure and man...the gals are HOT...WHAHAHA. Maybe its high time i should learn japanese? lolz...Couldn find any kagrra band scores there..so disappointing . Even so, the trip was fun. I came back feeling refresh,charged and i went back to business. But then, seems like the bad karma from the japan PT was still ard. I had a big down swing this mth...and ok..i admit,i dun play tat well . But think abt it, WHO THE FUCKS CALLS WIF NOTHING ON THE FLOP AND HITS A RUNNER RUNNER ON THE RIVER ? damn those moronz. This hold em thing is driving me crazy.,sometimes u really wonder how can u lose to stupid pple? (perhaps i was the stupid one in the first place?)...sigh..since sometime i had such low morale,and alex has been asking to go back to work. Really full of doubts... i need help..

I need some flames

2006-06-16T15:26:00.000-07:00
So let's see have some reflection lance for the month. Basically, i felt that i haven really accomplished anything yet for this month. Those fishes are giving me a hard time at 10/20 and i guess due to the loan to my auntie,i went abit tilted. The urge to make more $$$ was so strong....becoz that was the only way i felt myslef...living...and worthy.
Alex was also trying hard to keep my focus on my career coz ever since the brokeup...i was abit too obsessed with myself. My appearance,my bankroll...friends..and i really neglected my career. Now i doubt noone really knows what i am doing. Even today's outing with the chongfu guys,they refer me as the "jrocker" rather than my name...and they never seems to see me as a "insurance agent"
Am i still immature in my way of thinkin? Am i still contented living in this self obsession? I dun wan this way, but i never felt this apologetic abt my career b4. Not even when i first started out. GE's warning letter gaven me more stress and i am now pondering weather to stay on or not. I wish i can, i promised...and i really hope i can do well.
Wish me all the best

Split/torned/divided by 2

2006-05-25T01:11:00.000-07:00
Hmm,there was once i thought earning ability was a impt factor in a making of a man. To make money,u need to be creative,innovative with great drive and attitude towards life and people. Often some envy a young lad driving a posh lookin sportscar roaming ard orchard road with a pretty chick at the passenger seat. Ya, $$$ and woman...wat more can man ask for?
I went for a poker session with my usual kakis and it was quite a disappointment when there r no hold em players to start a game. So uncle eric and i started chatting,about poker views and the most impt thing.."how r u doing in life?"
"Well,uncle..i'm doing fine .Thank you,or i wun be playin this stakes with u too right?"I replied with a smile.
"Great~!So u r not a student anymore arent u?What do u do for a living?he asked
My mind went blank and i shyly pointed to the pair of aces James was holdin.
":) ,many young brains at the tables now. "

Many times i felt inferior in front of others,esp elders or men Whom tend to do better in life. They are in every aspect better than me. The way they talk,present themselves...i felt like a kid in front of them. Some joked about my flashy appearance and joked about me looking like jeff zhang. For once,i din dared to tell i was actually A financial planner.

They can manage themselves so much better than me. What can i possible plan for them.. duhz

And i have a grp of friends with me,whom treated the place as though it was theirs. Bragging about how the game should work, how unfair was the rake...etc etc. They were like INFANTS,screaming to their parents,askin for sweets.
I was pissed...and at the same time ashamed that i was being flocked together with them. I mean...i wun speak or bahave like tat if i have 700 grand.
The whole affair was just so screwed up,and let me feel..i am..mixing with the wrong pple..at the wrong time.
It doesn mean u r king and everyone has to bow to u,cater to u...juz because u r the most successful player ....for the moment.

Again...$$$ is always the root of all evil..

Can u feel the heat?

2006-05-04T10:36:00.000-07:00
It has been awhile since i have been so tensed in an outing. I remembered few yrs back when i had a class outing with my primary classmates,i really feel like i was the smallest man in the world. Everyone was doing so well...the gals were having prospecting careers and the guys were doing well in unis,with a bright future ahead of them.
And i am still slacking in army..
When i ord, i told myself to work hard,so that i can catch up with my peers and the road was indeed tough to walk coz i really missed out alot during my young slacking days. Making $$$ was all i had in my mind and my mentality was to be a man of stability.
Think abt it..who will at this moment go through thick and thin with if u are a poor bum. Face it...no $$$ no talk.
After 2 yrs in society, i am gald to find my own road of gold and i am doing well.Bu tafter today, i found out that there is still something amiss. I feel so young and immatured compared to the ladies tonight and i had to question myself again y WL still choose to stick with me. A moment of foolish?...sigh... there's always something u will wish urself to accomplish at a certain age...being a typical leo, i need recognition...
From the world...
I think i will need to sort out my feelings again and its time for me to paint my future ahead and troubleshoot wat am i lacking in life. Thanks to wl, whom is always so thoughtful and silly to stick to me.
Give me time, i am still working hard on it.

Thank you for seeing me

2006-05-03T12:03:00.000-07:00
Since 2006, i think i have made the most changes i have ever made to myself in my whole life. Some good, some bad.. .when u r not living happily, u need a change in life. I start to have goals...and visualize wat kind of person i wanted to be. It was vague at first,coz being a lazy person like me, i dun like changes..it was hard...to adapt..to the new "lance"
Some commented i changed...for the good,for the worse..but ultimately, i changed. I took much more pride in myself than anything else, untill some cant compromise with my doings. They feel i am way too much MCP..a sturbborn pig...
But still, i sticked to my principles and way of living my own life.
i met many pple along the road, many nice pple. Each of them added new colors to my life and suddenly i began to see things more brightly. I began to think that life is much more interesting than i expected and i felt that there were far more things i will want to accomplish when i am young. Then this person came to notice me...
She laughed at all of my jokes,gave up her sleep juz to see me online,gave me tissure when i made a mess during dinner...LOLZZ...
It has been a while since someone doted me like tat
I thought it was just a moment of impulse...she got attracted to me maybe becoz i sang well,maybe i looked dif from other guys, maybe i was her type Way too many maybes.....
I told her abt my concerns..how i faithless i was in r/s and how bad i was as a person. I smoke, i sell insurance, i play poker, i have red hair, i cant forget my ex, i had a special chemistry with another gal...so many things.
And she answers.. You think too much..
I see a bright future ahead of us...a road towards true love and happiness.
I thank you for liking me as a person and having so much faith in us. I will work towards a better tomolo for both of us.
Thanks for loving me wanling, i love u 2

Lanceryosuke?

2006-04-27T09:09:00.000-07:00
Sometimes we wonder...in life...do we really have a choice?
jackson:"Choice is often just an illusion. It might seems that we can do this and that if we make a choice,but think abt it...y did we have to make that choice in that first place?"
Do we really have a choice?
After so many incidents in life, i choose to be a different person, a changed person,not becoz i hate wat i was in the past.I had to change to free myself from being so miserable all the time. I often asked my frens...that i am worried of wat i will i become. Am i gonna being a jerk in r/s coz of my exs? Am i gonna cast my frens and family aside becoz our r/s in not becoming of wat i expect?
Time flies and time will often prove everything. I grew to love myself. I learnt to let things go and take things easily. Sad to say that its a fact that pple whom love themselves too much tend to be selfish. But then, they r often pple whom got hurted so badly that they wun want to leave their shell ever again.
I am happy right now that i have got rid of unwanted feelings. Might be i am too numb to all those pain,but right now i dun feel anything anymore. I went out wif outings when i saw iris and dave behaving intimately. Photos of my exs hugging wif other guys..
SO?
Everything is in the past...
I spend long yrs dwellin on graves that were long buried,y not concentrate on the future?
I will not look back anymore and thou shall only work towards a brighter tomolo.
I am my own sole reason to live. I live for myself and those whom step in my way shall not be spared. Do not blame me, i do not have a choice.

Motivation for a better tomolo

2006-04-21T09:58:00.000-07:00
I remember a good fren of mine said this to me " Be contented with what u have, and work towards what u dun have. With that, u'll find ur true purpose in life"
These few weeks i have been doing things...things that i have never done b4...to create a change in my life. to seek my purpose..
I always feel that i need a change in me...my lifestyle..my mentality..and most impt...my attitude towards life. Everything seems grey to me for the past few mths...and its gets really frustrating when u know u r that weak. Everyone loves a winner...and i love to win. Hate it when i need to succumb to stupid circumstances..or things which are so called...beyond my control.
These few weeks i manage to achieve some small things. I finally manage to pick up the courage to walk in an audtion for a singing competition..and though its was quite a last min effort...i managed to pull through :P
Lose ard 3kg for the mth and i can finally fit in my fav jeans which i bought back in my army days..
Feels great to acheive small short term goals..and it is always this kind of satifaction that keeps one going on. I'll got over silly matters of the heart and dying to move on.
Now...i only live for a better tomolo..

April wishes

2006-04-02T08:15:00.000-07:00
1) Quit smoking
2) More sales
3) Lose 8kg
4) Able to play a proper song on my guitar
5) New hair cut

Got to close a case today...finally feel that i am back on track. Go for it...i can make it. :P

Reality

2006-03-30T22:39:00.000-08:00
From young,we have been told by teachers,our parents and even the government about how we should be leading our lives.
"If u wan good results,u muz study hard."
"With good grades,u get a better job,lead a better life"
"Woman in spore nowadays r very practical. No $$ no love"
Fair enough...according to law of nature,u give u take. There always a output when there is input. I have been striving towards being a better friend, a better man and a better son but my efforts have been always overlooked by hmmm envoirnment circumstances?
Fate doesn allow me to be in love, friends often take advantage of my kind being and i can never be a son WHOM my mum expect me to be.
Been living for others for the past 25 yrs of my life and for once i feel that i should take control of myself..but in the process, i feel i being casted out...by the world.
"U have $$$ and the earning ability right now, i will be gald if i were u"
I have a friend's friend, whom i know might be the richest person i ever met in my life. And yet he is obsess and dwelling with the gal whom i can "the most impt person in my life" He is rich, but i dun think he is happy. We both will galdly pay through our nose,juz to erase this shadow from out lives.
God is so cruel...he make humans out here to suffer. Or izzit juz humans?
When and where can i find true happiness?
I need company, i need love...i need recognition by someone...anyone to prove that i am worthwhile living in this world. Those whom considered impt to me have already left me far behind..they have no faith in me anymore and they decided to leave me for something else, someone else. I had to close my doors to them,preventing from opening myself to further wounds...and pain.
But who can i turn to?
I have been doing things right now which i know is totally wrong.
"One cigar takes away 10 mins of ur life"
"Your appearance is very vital in ur industry, i sdvise u to cut ur hair"
"U shouldn be flirting wif her, u have a market value and u dun have to resort to this to have company"
But i have been doing the "right "things, and nothing seems to come out of it. The "bad" guys seems to have everything in their way while the "good" guys are often those that r strugglin in life...strugglin with their own values.
Wat am i saying...wat do i wan right now?
who i wan to be....who am i..?
someone pls show me the light...

Back home

2006-03-23T11:16:00.000-08:00
Feels good to be back home again. After few weeks of wondering,there is no doubt tat there is no place like home. My room is still as tiday as ever...thanks mum. Went through my bank statement today and so god damn shocked man. 13K of debit....my god...wat the hell did i spend on man. Sigh....cursed those live holdem games..really sux at it. Perhaps i should get a new pair of sunglass and a hat?LOL....
Sat should be meeting kof gals and frens ba. Iris should be there? Dunno how to react when i see her. Went to see her blog today and i guess she is under much pressure also. I wonder how is her insurance thingy going..she will be stress ma? Hmm...and from her blog, i can see john is really very obsessed abt iris. Should i be proud ? Yeah...afterall i was her num1. loL..I wished i can with her...sometimes i really wish i can do something abt it.
k...no time for this kind of thingy eh. Back home and back to work. More clients to see, more policies to sell,more weight to be loss,more $$$$ to earn.
Ganbete~

Has been awhile

2006-03-22T12:56:00.000-08:00
Ok let's see,it has been ard 1 mth since i blogged something. Din really blogged much even so much have happened in this happening mth.
Ok let's start...
These 3 weeks have been a good experience for me. Its not easy living outside and its feels really awkard when u r not sleeping on ur own bed. Mum has tamed down really alot and i am so touched by her concern and love even though i was so wildful. Though i figured out it might be the best for us by living alone but then come to think abt it...dad's not ard anymore..she's so lonely. Business in the shop has been so bad,besides me and jacky..who else can she turn to? Sigh..
and even after so many pple have ill treated me,i forgive them..y not my own mum...Srry mum..
Jackson has been a very nice fren to me and i kind of worry for him coz of huisi. He's so obsessed abt her..my god,and even his thinkin and life values changed so much due to her influence. I understand...coz first gf..took me 6 yrs to cross the hurdle..and i dunno how long he's gonna take if one day they went seperate ways.
Might seems tat i dun mental support anymore by not blogging tat often,i felt i have changed....for the worse....DUHZZ..
Cigars have became apart of my life and my business has been getting bad to worse. Some even thought i have left the insurance industry. Need to buck up really hard and i guess mum will be happy ba.
Saw cherry yesterday and i knew that my feelings were numb for her. Actually i felt nuthing when i see her. absolutely nuthing...No closiness, no appeal,no anger no nuthing. I din even know how come i can bring myself to eat dinner wif her. So damn stupid of me to do that after she bloody ran off wif another bregzzzzz guy. Okok...i am quite bregzz myself LOL..
Anyway,it is kind of weird to have two gals that gave me the greatest blow to call me at the same time. I feel so...hmm..strange. I still miss iris though,even i gave her the cold shoulder le. I cant really figured out how come her hp number still appears on my phone screen when i remembered i deleted her number...juz to forget her num...
She wans to meet me for dinner,haizz...i haven really got over her seriously. She was my everything, my inspiration ,my driv,my dream. Perhaps she is the greatest regret of my life ba...
i am happy for her though when i saw her frenster thingy wif dave. He muz be a wonderful guy :P...even though the damn pic was the catalyst that made me screamed to mum...SIGH
OK...no more emotional lance le.
I wan to master my guitar...rebuild my business...buy my integra next bday.
Hopefully someone will notice me ba. I need a chance...to be a good lover again,and i wan to be loved..so lonely now. Settle down and leave a legacy for the Yeongs.

Lanceryosuke OWNS U

Dead or alive

2006-02-28T12:54:00.000-08:00
I remembered someone saying this to me :" Life is just an illusion. Everything about life..ur feelings and esp ur emotions. Emotions are the most realistic things u ever feel,but then they are the most vague too. They come and go,u feel this now..lose it another day"
Fear is a projection of uncertainty,something which u cannot cantrol.
Desire...be it $$$,lust,power...they come and go and u can never get enough..
Love...u feel it today,gone tomolo...
Things look so grey to me now. $$$ is just like paper to me. No woman can satisfy me . Food and alcohol has no taste. Friends cant fill my lonliness. Family cant give me warmth in this cold world. I thought i have accomplished wat i dreamed for. But...y...
Something...pls fill me..bring me out of this darkness. Wat can i do.....to save myself..
Lance...i dun wan to be like this.

.

Valentine's day

2006-02-14T10:03:00.000-08:00
Since awhile i posted after i came back from europe...
Its vday today,a special ocassion for couples,friends...hmmm...roses everywhere,couples everywhere. First time after 6 years i spend this day alone eh..wasnt tat bad. Perhaps it was becoz of the late session of holdem i had the night b4..
yEAH...when u r tired...u dun tend to think...everything seems like a motion and feelings will not take over u.
Met up wif juan and Mr koh due to work reasons and both asked me wat am i doing in office attire at this special ocassion.
(haha...bo gf la...duhzz)
Kind of sort out my thoughts after that terrible turbulence i had at the plane....for once i thought i was going to die....sigh...and thanks god..i lived.
Never felt like loving myself more than anything else,and i promised myself i will not do or think anything to hurt myself.
Though its kind of lonely for me, seriously....
i wished every couple happy vday and all the best to every loving couples..

Tat's wat frens are fuckin for

2006-01-26T07:09:00.000-08:00
They call me the prodigy....someone whom never fails to be good in a subject which i am obsessed in. They call me Mr nice guy coz i never ge gao abt $$$, They call me The undying lover coz i am always faithful to the one i loved.
After 25 yrs i found out that kindness never pays....human are sick creatures that they only take advantage of u when u r nice to them.I gave trust in everyone that i call them my frens,yet wat i get back is betrayal..

Lesson learnt....lance u are an idoit for 25 yrs...
"The strongest survive by preying on the weak"
The only one that gives u conditionally care and concern is ur parents....and one of them is dead..
Father i finally understand ur words...forgive me for my naiveness..
Suddenly i had this feeling of isolating myself....i wan to be alone...living in a world of solitude..
Noone can love u if u dun love urself..

Lance...right now u r on ur own.
26/1/2006

Thou shall not be like this again

2006-01-18T11:53:00.000-08:00
I saw :
"Y do u hold my hand if i am not attractive to u?"
"Becoz i love u, i wanna protect u, i want to give u a sense of security"
I felt the same way too. Who wun wanna give the one u love most the atmost happiness that u can ever give? I endured the pain and loniless in NS,though i wanted u so much, miss u so much and never tried to patch up wif u untill i feel i can give u everything. I wan u to be the most happy gal in the earth, and us the happiest couple in the world. All these years,i strive hard to be a better man, so that i can return to u as a better lover. U said u never wanted a bf, coz if we cant work it well...noone will.
It should have been fuckin over...and i am still pinning false hopes...stupid me
After all these yrs, u still felt that i was with u coz i needed u ....and i dun love u. Thanks for waking me up...and let me know how stupid i was to waste my precious 4 yrs. Thou shall move on...be a better person and find someone whom can appreciate me more.

Moving on my way

2006-01-17T20:45:00.000-08:00
Knock knock~Its 12 pm liao and i juz wake up..lol..Too much nightlife recently le..haha. I cant seems to upload my case for emas,damn those IT support pple..always never answer phone. I think alex is abt to kill me..so long never submit any case :(
A very dull week for me as usual,had to go and collect dets from various pple,sigh....hate to lend money to pple. Its such a pain when u wanna take it back esp when u dun see them that often.
Money is such an evil thing..u work hard for it, u yearn for it and some pple can do anything for it. I have been going to 38 degrees recently and got to know more about sharon. She really looks like jalcyn tay lo..long hair, double eye lids...slim figure and she smokes...breg.
She has been working two jobs for abt 6 months coz she complains about no having enough $$ to spend.
I Have $$$ in the world but who's gonna spend it with me? Noone can ever share my joy and pain...
I hope to move on..walking down the road by myself..

Saw this today

2006-01-12T10:56:00.000-08:00
LUv is always patient n kind.it is nv jealous.LUv is nv boastful or conceited.lt is nv rude or selfish.lt does not take offense n is not resentful.LUv takes no pleasure in other people's sins,but delights in the truth.it is ready to excuse,to trust,tohope,n to endure wateva comes..((LUv smeone deservin of ur lUv,nt smeone who can onlI hurt u.LUv wil come wen it's time to come.It's tragic wen e one who can stop u cryin is e one makin u cry...)) One who truly loves has enough love for everyone, but one who has selfish motives loves falsely, for true love has no limits. There is one out there whose heart is true and pure, and we ask you not to turn your back on him, but to use our words of love and guidance to open your heart to what can be a long and lasting love affair.......Wishes hung high, in ve velvet sky. May it be grant, in my life. Lonesome road, are hard to stride. Who'll it be, to walk with me. Careless whispers, to be set. Sparks of flames,will be on te way..Somethins jus don make sense anymre. Rite before my eyes,many awfu thins r happenin. I can onli stood by n watch.unable to do anythin.Nowadays,relationships come and go as easily as e snappin of fingers.Nobody seems to give a thought before goin into one.It looks like relationship do not hold any significance at al.Do ple simply get into relationships jus for e sake of companionship at tat particular point of time?Wat happened to e good old concepts of "fallin in luv" , "luv at first sight" and "splendin e rest of our life together" ?E pace of life has become faster. And our needs and desires have increased. Looks lik al tat matters nw r material wealth n sex. Wat has happened to luv,trust,respect,honesty,faith.....Aren't al this e essence of wat a relationship should revolve around?We should take a moment to reflect on wat we have made our life to b. We need to b answerable , nt to others, bt to our every own conscience....

Guys drinks to forget about the girl...Girls drinks to think back about that guy..When guys are in love, they becomepoorerBut when girls are in love, they becomeprettierGuys can forget, but cannot forgive...Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..Guys care most about the quantity oflove...But girls care most about the quality oflove..Guys break-up when they feel love fromanother Girl...Girls break-up when they feelSeparation from her man...Guys feels curious towards all girls...Girls feel curious towards the guys whoare Interested in her..When guys are heartbroken, they try toforget the girl by going out with othergirls...When girls are heartbroken, they try tofind his Characteristics from otherguys...Guys wishes to be her first love....And girls wishes to be his last love...

How true...

2006-01-11T20:41:00.000-08:00
It has been raining all day long,sigh...cant find time to go running by myself. Went shopping with jackson and dingyuan and sepnd alot of $$$ today sia. It feels good to pamper urself once in awhile esp at times where u feel that u need to do something for urself. We went to cineleisure for a few games of pool and i'm really gald that i am improving though i still sux at it. AFter that,we went to the shelterless kopitiam across the road of cine to have dinner and guess wat, the downpour started right after we ordered our food. We had to seek shelter in the stalls and we were like eating in those japanese Lu Bian Dan. Damn silly la,but quite fun come to think abt it. Submitted on case today...hmmm hopefully it will be smooth sailing in my career. My luck has been better at the poker tables as well and though there r still many god damn fishes at gives me a few badbeats. Saw her nick in MSN, and as usual, i think she is having a honeymoon period right now. So sweet...so envious. Dun think i should tok to her at all coz it will only spoil her mood.
Ying wei ai ni wuo rang ni zhou le
I'll get used to it after sometime...focus on my other stuff ya?
All the best lance, u can make it.

Nothing is working right

2006-01-09T17:39:00.000-08:00
Hmm,its raining again.I love the rain esp in the night coz i tend to sleep better. Ain really getting any goodnight rests after the blow. I was online the whole day,hoping she will take notice of me,but nope...i guess she was busy in her own world ..
wif him...

All of my exs had another him,where i stood alone in this cold raining night. I wanted to sleep,i am so tired..i want all these feelings to go away. I dun to be missing anyone. Going to europe on the 30th for 11 days. Always wanted a chance to travel ard the european countries,i think its going to be fun
i wish i can stay there longer...i dun want to come back for vday.
It would be my first vday in 6 yrs,without someone to go out to. I guessed noone needs my attention and presents from me on that day. Think gonna be like Mr bean,stay at home send myself my own vday present...DUHZZ~Lame..

Ain having a good run in cdpoker too,those god damn fishes...curse them die of aids or something strange. All they do is fish my money and donate to someone else. Darn...those fishes...gonna pay for this someday.

Back to work,G.e has recently launched 2 new products..Hmm..time for serious work...but then prob is focus..i need to get back my focus.

I should have realized that dead flowers never bloom...Hate myself for being so naive all the time.
Move on Lance...u can do it....and make them all regret that they dun appreciate u.

My first blog

2006-01-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

The last time i had a blog was 4,5 yrs ago,thought i never needed one. Blogs are reviews of the past,ur reflections and perhaps a virtual space that u can let out gas? I had to dear blog,pardon me. Way too many things have happened to my life,way too many thoughts in my mind.

Lance
Age :24
weight : 70kg(u fcukin fat cb~!)
height : 168cm
Ocupation: Full time life planner, part time poker player
Hobbies : KOF,Magic the gathering, texas holdem etc etc
Personality : Outgoing?cheerful?FULL OF CRAP~BREGZZ`,posessive..yeah..and i never like losing..
Desired partner : Someone whom appreciates me,make my exsistence known. Sweet looking will of coz add bonus points to the package.
Current bankroll : $60,000SGD

ok,this is me..Is there anyone i have missed? NO...i doubt so.
hmm..juz a typical guy,maybe his hobbies are abit childish?and man...doing insurance and poker as a living? DUHZ....no sense of security. Hmm...short and fat,eee~~
And a merely savings of $60,000..who knows he will get busted in a hand or two at the poker table. Never admit mistakes makes him a sore loser...cant stand those MCP..

Yes, i am never good enough

Once i met someone,it wasn love at first sight. Then i grown to love her becoz she treated me like the king of the planet. She treasured me like a gem but i took it for granted. She broke free from me and all these yrs i tried to gather the broken pieces,in avail.
She wanted to be frens coz she wanted to be wif me again. I took it to heart, i befriend her but then to the extent i felt so insecure. I wanted her back so badly, i guessed i scared her. She din want to be anyone's gf. "If i cant work out wif u,noone can"
She was so kind to my feelings...make me feel i am someone worth loving...juz that circumstances dun allow us to get together...too bad.
I tried to move on,believing i can handle this. I am a man whom want to settle down,be a family man and look after my kids.
Met another someone,whom took notice for me and i blindly went into it thinkin that it will work out well. I clinged on,even though i knew she wasn fond of me wat all. Maybe we were juz too lonely..I didn feel love at all,despite how physically close we were,I never felt impt to her. I cling on even knowing she is toying ard, i forgive her..hoping i can change her, i can make her love me, i want things to work out. She chooses someone else,even though he is in army..they share the same interest. She felt i wasn 100% into it, i still have someone i that i cant erase.

Everytime i need love and concern, i think of her. I told my frens how nice she was to me in the past and how much i regretted letting her go. I never moved on,after so many yrs..i thought i have..but i din. Another she saw it,sensed it. I was alone again.
I thought of her again and realized how foolish it was for me to find a replacement. She is always irreplacable in my heart. But we have drifted so far apart...i am so torn and tired. I am really out of my wits.

She told me she liked him,she always have crushes...but never held his hand. I always have this belief that as long as i wait for her, we will get back someday. But i did nuthing for these yrs,maybe i pressured her too hard and she kicked me away too hard. I thought of starting afresh, and write a new chapter of my life with her as my female lead again.

She told me she liked him, i told her i liked her too. But "him" wasnt me..alright. I felt maybe its time for me to do something again.
BUT...........

Now she is gone, i can never find her again .

i shouldn have given up hope on holdin ur hand. I lost faith in us, i am sorry. I always thought that there is something i can do. I thought this is the way u wanted me to love u. I cannot love u the way u wanted me to. I wish u happiness forever...
always be watching u...

Finale..